Freak Out

Everything was normal until last night, when I noticed that I was feeling “better” that I have been in the last week.  I chalked it up to the fact that I went to Tae Kwon Do and had a great workout.  While I was there, I forgot to wear a sports bra and my poor hormone-affected breasts were bouncing around like bruised and swollen melons – A sign of pregnancy, at least.

I have a day off from work today to “study” for my upcoming licensing exam.  So I had the opportunity to sleep in and then head out to the lab to get my prenatal blood work.  The whole morning, though, I’ve felt kind of “off.”  My breasts haven’t been throbbing like usual, and I haven’t been feeling like gagging on everything, and so I worried that maybe things were headed south.

I wanted some re-assurance, so I checked my own lab results (I know… wag your fingers at me later, please).  My b-hcg was 0!  0!  How could that be, after it was so high only 2 days ago and doubling almost every day?  My brain screamed out to me: “Lab error!!! Lab error!!!” But I can’t ignore what my heart and gut are feeling.  (Let’s be clear, if this was one of my patient’s lab results, I would be convinced it is an error)

I raced home to do another urine pregnancy test.  Even with super-dilute, middle of the day urine, the test turned immediately positive.  IMG_6245This is even more reassurance that the blood test was an error… Blood tests are (supposed) to be more sensitive than a urine test, so how could it be negative when I am still excreting the hormone in my urine.

What are the odds, though, that I would get a lab error on a day when I am feeling “less pregnant” that I have since i suspected I was pregnant in the first place?  This is the universe fucking with me.  Maybe this is another lesson in Vulnerability, seeing has how just yesterday I posted about how we all need to be more open and honest about first trimester pregnancy losses.  Maybe this will become my reality.

I’m trying to be logical and objective, but I can’t… I really can’t…  I’m just freaking out over something that is completely illogical.

How am I supposed to study like this???

*Addendum – as I was about to hit publish, I got a phone call from the clinic, and aside from lecturing me about how I shouldn’t be looking up my own lab results, she said that my blood test was adequately positive (2900). Phew.

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Sharing The News

My husband was upset that I told my mom about our news. In fact, he is upset that I want to tell anyone about our news.

“What ever happened to that 12 week rule?”

I hate the 12 week rule. I mentioned this previously when (on my old blog) I announced that I was going to be open about the fact that I was trying to get pregnant. I reject the idea that women should keep their pregnancies secret until there is a more reasonable assurance (past the first trimester) that they won’t lose their pregnancy. This idea is just so stupid, despite how prevalent it is in our culture.

Did you know that 30% of women who KNOW they are pregnant will lose their pregnancy within the first 12 weeks. Most of these losses are early, within the first 6 weeks, but some of them happen later. Unfortunately, most people don’t realize that early pregnancy loss is this common because no one talks about it. And, no one talks about it because there is a pervasive belief that no one is supposed to talk about pregnancy until it is *almost* 100% guaranteed. So where does that leave women early in their pregnancy? Where does it leave women who lose their pregnancies early? I’ll tell you where: it leave them mourning in private and blaming themselves for their loss because this hasn’t happened to anyone else…” 

Unfortunately, it has happened to many other women, and they have all suffered along in silence. Or maybe they celebrated in silence for so long because they weren’t allowed to share their excitement, hopes, fears, and worries with the people who are important to them.

Back to my conversation with my husband…
Yes, I may be very early in my pregnancy, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am pregnant and that I’m excited about it. Yes, I am fearful that I may lose this pregnancy, given the statistics. IN fact, because of my line of work, I think I am more worried about losing this pregnancy than the next woman. But every woman who has ever been pregnant knows this fear. SO why can’t I tell my mom, and my sister, and my best friends that I am pregnant, that it is early, that I’m excited, but also scared? While I might want to stand on the rooftops and announce it to every person I pass on the street, I can refrain from that. Why? Well, because not everyone needs to know all the intimate details of my whole life. But I’m not going to lie about or deny something that is true.

So, if I do lose this pregnancy, what I am going to say to those people I already told? How about I tell them that I lost my pregnancy? Why not tell them that I am sad and devastated and that I was really hoping that it would last? Why not accept their sympathy and support? Why not start breaking this stigma?
My husband might be upset that I started telling people about my pregnancy, but I just told him to suck it up. I won’t got announcing it on Facebook or telling our neighbors and acquaintances until we decide it is the right time to inform the entire world (or maybe my belly will start doing that for me before he’s ready). However, I am not going to alienate myself from the people who mean the most to me and who are going to support me through the positive or the negative – regardless of what happens. I’m just not going to do that.

Pregnancy Shouldn’t be a Secret

I came across this blog post/article in my Facebook feed this morning:

http://www.scarymommy.com/articles/a-miscarriage-isnt-any-easier-if-no-one-knows-about-it?section=news&u=bx0JraXp8A
I love Scary Mommy for all their awesome and cynical posts about motherhood. This post, however is a little different. While I have no idea who these people are, I feel like it doesn’t matter. Why do we, as a society, feel the need to keep our successes and struggles with pregnancy a secret?

A miscarriage or a fertility struggle is not something of which we should be ashamed. Yet, people get criticized for sharing the news too early, or they feel like they can’t be honest about the excitement, disappointment, fear, or whatever emotion they’re feeling about their family planning. 

Previously I decided to be open about my decision and efforts to try for a third baby. If I’m going to be honest, I am disappointed that this time around hasn’t been as easy as the previous two… And when I say easy, I mean I think about being pregnant and BAM!  This time around I am into cycle 4.

I am trying to be more open about trying to conceive. However, I still find myself saying “I’d like to have another,” rather than, “yes, we’re trying,” when someone asks if we want another child. I wouldn’t say that I’m happy with my difficulties in being honest and open… But I can start here, on this blog:

I am trying. So far I haven’t had any luck. In fact, this month my period came earlier than I expected and this worries me because of my family history of premature ovarian failure. 

So there you have it – all my open and honest worries about my failed attempts at pregnancy over the past 3 months.