If you google “Oxytocin,” you will learn that it is a hormone that has many functions. Primarily, it is the hormone responsible for contractions during labour, as well as for milk let-down while nursing. It also plays a major role in human bonding – between newborns and mothers, between men and women, and even between friends. It is quite an amazing and versatile hormone, and all of these hormonal effects has me thinking about what can happen when the different hormone effects cross paths and boundaries.
After giving birth 9 days ago, I immediately felt strong feelings of kinship and admiration towards the doctor who delivered El. I found that in the days immediately post-partum, I was sad to think that I wouldn’t be going to see her anymore for my weekly appointments. This seemed like a strange response for me to have, given that most of our appointments were a quick 5-10 min and were really just about the “business” of my pregnancy. I did choose this doctor out of all the obstetricians in the city because she has a good reputation of being liked by her patients, she is one of the few people who does all her own deliveries 24 hours a day, and I also really enjoy learning from her and working with her as a resident. Despite these reasons, my feelings towards her after my delivery felt out of proportion to what they should have been. You could almost say that the feelings I had were bordering on those of maternal admiration, and I was mourning the loss of this type of care and concern in my life.
Interestingly, I don’t remember having such strong feelings of maternal admiration towards her before going into labour. They only started after my delivery. The timing of these feelings got me thinking about how the hormonal changes in my body may have affected my emotional attachment towards my doctor while she delivered El. I also thought about how my feelings and admiration towards my old friend Kay developed after she delivered A all those years ago. Finally, there is the most important consideration in all of this: the lack of close maternal bond and relationship with my own mother throughout my life. All of these factors got me thinking about how the high levels of oxytocin in my body while I was in labour may have affected the “relationship building” pathways in my mind; perhaps my subconscious mind was trying to lay down or replace the maternal bonding-like relationship that I never really had growing up. It makes me wonder if I would have had this response if I developed a normal mother-daughter relationship with my own mother as a child.
I have been trying hard to reflect on how I’ve been feeling in the last week and a half. Specifically, I have tried to separate out logical from illogical feelings and evaluate what would be considered “appropriate” or “inappropriate” in terms of “normal human behaviour. I have also been reflecting on what parts of my subconscious still need work and attention. It is a little disappointing to think that after all my years of therapy trying to overcome the issues surrounding my childhood (and my relationship with my mother specifically), deep down there is still something missing. Perhaps the fact that I am able to identify this change in feeling and attribute it to “something” suggests that I have made some progress in my therapy, but I’m not really sure. Regardless, I will continue to reflect on my feelings and figure out a way to navigate through this mess and make it meaningful – both for my emotional recovery, as well as my future working relationship with my doctor (who will continue to be a teacher and mentor for me in my training).