Sharing The News

My husband was upset that I told my mom about our news. In fact, he is upset that I want to tell anyone about our news.

“What ever happened to that 12 week rule?”

I hate the 12 week rule. I mentioned this previously when (on my old blog) I announced that I was going to be open about the fact that I was trying to get pregnant. I reject the idea that women should keep their pregnancies secret until there is a more reasonable assurance (past the first trimester) that they won’t lose their pregnancy. This idea is just so stupid, despite how prevalent it is in our culture.

Did you know that 30% of women who KNOW they are pregnant will lose their pregnancy within the first 12 weeks. Most of these losses are early, within the first 6 weeks, but some of them happen later. Unfortunately, most people don’t realize that early pregnancy loss is this common because no one talks about it. And, no one talks about it because there is a pervasive belief that no one is supposed to talk about pregnancy until it is *almost* 100% guaranteed. So where does that leave women early in their pregnancy? Where does it leave women who lose their pregnancies early? I’ll tell you where: it leave them mourning in private and blaming themselves for their loss because this hasn’t happened to anyone else…” 

Unfortunately, it has happened to many other women, and they have all suffered along in silence. Or maybe they celebrated in silence for so long because they weren’t allowed to share their excitement, hopes, fears, and worries with the people who are important to them.

Back to my conversation with my husband…
Yes, I may be very early in my pregnancy, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am pregnant and that I’m excited about it. Yes, I am fearful that I may lose this pregnancy, given the statistics. IN fact, because of my line of work, I think I am more worried about losing this pregnancy than the next woman. But every woman who has ever been pregnant knows this fear. SO why can’t I tell my mom, and my sister, and my best friends that I am pregnant, that it is early, that I’m excited, but also scared? While I might want to stand on the rooftops and announce it to every person I pass on the street, I can refrain from that. Why? Well, because not everyone needs to know all the intimate details of my whole life. But I’m not going to lie about or deny something that is true.

So, if I do lose this pregnancy, what I am going to say to those people I already told? How about I tell them that I lost my pregnancy? Why not tell them that I am sad and devastated and that I was really hoping that it would last? Why not accept their sympathy and support? Why not start breaking this stigma?
My husband might be upset that I started telling people about my pregnancy, but I just told him to suck it up. I won’t got announcing it on Facebook or telling our neighbors and acquaintances until we decide it is the right time to inform the entire world (or maybe my belly will start doing that for me before he’s ready). However, I am not going to alienate myself from the people who mean the most to me and who are going to support me through the positive or the negative – regardless of what happens. I’m just not going to do that.


14 thoughts on “Sharing The News

  1. Well said.

    I often advise my newly pregnant patients, who ask me when they should reveal their news, that they might want to tell those people whose support they would need and want should a miscarriage occur.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. On the other hand, 12 weeks is not so magic a number, I lost my son at 23 weeks, so there you have it. I totally agree that there is this sense of secrecy that surrounds so many of the decisions we women must make… I would rather have a tribe of real, honest, sometimes happy sometimes hurting women to surround me than this competitive, singular way we have now…

    We’re so thrilled for you, btw… and if something happens, then we will grieve with you, because we have a vested interest in YOU. =) Happiest of days, new friend ! =)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Very well worded, this is exactly why my husband and I chose to share the news of our pregnancy with close friends and family at 6 weeks. We would rather give them something to celebrate now than have to break terrible news to them later. It gives us a strong support system to navigate through this.
    Good luck on the pregnancy! Can’t wait to hear more updates!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I share my pregnancy news with a few close friends and family members, but ask that it not be made public till I’m ready for everyone to know (usually around the 12-week mark). Ironic… three weeks ago, I lost my baby at 12 weeks 2 days. As hard as it’s been, it would be harder if it were all “in secret.” And at whatever stage a mother loses a baby, it’s no less a baby just because it’s smaller, younger, whatever. I love the Dr. Seuss quote, “A person’s a person, no matter how small.” Good luck.


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