Freak Out

Everything was normal until last night, when I noticed that I was feeling “better” that I have been in the last week.  I chalked it up to the fact that I went to Tae Kwon Do and had a great workout.  While I was there, I forgot to wear a sports bra and my poor hormone-affected breasts were bouncing around like bruised and swollen melons – A sign of pregnancy, at least.

I have a day off from work today to “study” for my upcoming licensing exam.  So I had the opportunity to sleep in and then head out to the lab to get my prenatal blood work.  The whole morning, though, I’ve felt kind of “off.”  My breasts haven’t been throbbing like usual, and I haven’t been feeling like gagging on everything, and so I worried that maybe things were headed south.

I wanted some re-assurance, so I checked my own lab results (I know… wag your fingers at me later, please).  My b-hcg was 0!  0!  How could that be, after it was so high only 2 days ago and doubling almost every day?  My brain screamed out to me: “Lab error!!! Lab error!!!” But I can’t ignore what my heart and gut are feeling.  (Let’s be clear, if this was one of my patient’s lab results, I would be convinced it is an error)

I raced home to do another urine pregnancy test.  Even with super-dilute, middle of the day urine, the test turned immediately positive.  IMG_6245This is even more reassurance that the blood test was an error… Blood tests are (supposed) to be more sensitive than a urine test, so how could it be negative when I am still excreting the hormone in my urine.

What are the odds, though, that I would get a lab error on a day when I am feeling “less pregnant” that I have since i suspected I was pregnant in the first place?  This is the universe fucking with me.  Maybe this is another lesson in Vulnerability, seeing has how just yesterday I posted about how we all need to be more open and honest about first trimester pregnancy losses.  Maybe this will become my reality.

I’m trying to be logical and objective, but I can’t… I really can’t…  I’m just freaking out over something that is completely illogical.

How am I supposed to study like this???

*Addendum – as I was about to hit publish, I got a phone call from the clinic, and aside from lecturing me about how I shouldn’t be looking up my own lab results, she said that my blood test was adequately positive (2900). Phew.

14 thoughts on “Freak Out

  1. It sounds like you are just as paranoid as I am! I keep running out to the store to buy tests just to check if I’m still pregnant! Good to know that everything turned out to be fine and hopefully they will continue! How far along are you?


      • I’m in the same boat! I’m 6 weeks but I have to wait till 8 weeks before I have my first visit. (The two week wait is driving me nuts) It’s terrifying but the crappy feeling is worth it if that’s a sign of a healthy baby!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks! Congratulations to you too! I feel like knowing everything I know about what can go wrong early in pregnancy, and given how many women I see in the emergency room with missed abortions, misscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, of other variations (yes, there are other variations) of non viable pregnancies, it is just so anxiety provoking…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Relinquish Control | Living with Authenticity

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