Sense Out of Sense

“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.  It’s not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”
~Václav Havel


It seems as though this quotation didn’t fit with my mindset last year, and it certainly doesn’t fit with how I am feeling now, either.  Or maybe, if I look at it from a different angle, it does make sense.

A few days ago I wrote a post about hope being a song that we sing in the depth of our being – something that never stops no matter what.  Right now I am tired and overworked and I feel like hope is the only thing I have – I hope that I get through all of this and that it will be worth it in the end.

Does that make sense?  I don’t know.  Maybe according to this quotation, it is supposed to makes sense.  Whether or not all of this hard work pays of in the end… hmm… I’m not sure if it makes sense for it to not turn out.  That would be a whole lot of “nonsense.”

The other day I met with one of the staff to go over my evaluations from a few months ago: For July and August.  Apparently everyone only had good things to say about me: I am hard working, I have good surgical skills, I work well under pressure, I don’t get stressed out, I make good assessments and plans, I know my limits, I don’t get bogged down in the minute details… but there was one thing that seemed to concern people – they were worried that I seemed unhappy.  I didn’t know what to make of that comment, or what to do with it.

I’m happy, but I’m not happy.  It’s hard to always be smiling and cheerful when you are tired and wondering if you’ve made all the right decisions in life.  Or more vaguely stated, when you’re not sure if everything in your life makes sense.  So what do I take away from that feedback session?  I should be happier when I’m at work, maybe?  Obviously I know that these last few months haven’t been easy for me, and there is a reason I see a psychologist on a regular basis.  Overall, I didn’t know what to say.  I enlightened her on the whole “people at work found my blog and I was criticized and harassed online because of it and everyone at work was talking about it behind my back” situation that happened in the middle of July.  I told her how I completely shut down at that point because I didn’t know who I could trust to talk to about anything, even something as simple as a night with my kids.  Maybe that contributed to it… I don’t know.  Or maybe it’s just my personality… maybe that’s it!

Regardless, nothing ever makes sense.  I feel like I am blindly floating around with the hope that in the end everything will fall into place… some kind of place.

Singing While You Work

“He started to sing as he tackled the thing that couldn’t be done,
and he did it”

~Edgar A. Guest

I have to say, I’m surprised that this is a quotation that made the cut in this project last year.  It seems less “inspiring” than most of the others.  Perhaps my interpretation of the quote is just another difference between what I was feeling last year and what I’m feeling now.

I am still on the bottom end of getting through this “beast” known as residency.  However, I am a year closer to being finished than I was before!  Some days it still feels like this task ahead of me is an insurmountable challege, even when I know it can be accomplished if I just put my mind to it.  So, that must be what I’m doing – putting my head dow, singing a song, and getting the job done.  It’s not as easy as I’d like it to be, but the most important thing is that it’s getting done.

The sentiment in this quotation, I guess, is that you need to take your time, stay relaxed and finish one small step at a time.  Eventually, with this approach, you will get to the place you never thought possible. Here’s to hoping that in another year I can say I’ve gotten even more of the task completed (thought maybe not a full year since I’ll be taking a maternity leave), and this will be looking even brighter!

Preparing for NaBloPoMo

It is coming up to that important time in the blogging year: National Blog Posting Month.  Although this blog is relatively new and has not existed during previous NaBloPoMo months, I have been blogging long enough to have successfully completed three of them.  Last year was the greatest challenge, as I was busier than I had ben in previous years.  This year, I fear, will be even worse.  I have been thinking about ways to help make this year’s NaBloPoMo as successful as possible.  With the hours that I am working right now and my high levels of exhaustion (therefore going to bed when my kids go to bed), I have had relatively little time to blog.  Last year I had a theme to the month and while that helped give me inspiration to blog every day, it took a different turn that I was expecting… but that’s what life is about, isn’t it?

For this year’s blogging month, I wondered if it would count as blogging if I posted posts from my old blog… some of my most liked or “signature” posts, if you will.  But i that cheating, seeing as how I’m not actually writing new posts for each day?

I also thought of having a question/answer period theme – as in, you all ask me a question or give me a topic/theme, and I can use those as the inspiration for blogging.  I could include a submission box at the end of each post and hope that I get enough submission to write about! The only challenge with that one is that it doesn’t completely alleviate the “time issues” that I will have this month!

One other thought I had was to go back and re-visit everything that happened last November.  It was a difficult month.  The theme of NaBloPoMo last year folowed a gift I had assembled for a friend and it included a quotation a day.  I blogged about the meaning of that quotation to me and why I picked it to include in the month of gifts. However, half-way through the month, that friend began pulling away and she stopped talking to me.  I’m not sure if she even ever read all the cards or opened the whole gift.  In the first week of December, that friend ended our friendship and we haven’t spoken since.  Going through all of those posts would be difficult, but perhaps it would allow me to change my perspective on some things regarding that relationship – maybe it would provide closure.  Or maybe not.  Maybe it would just cause an unnecessary re-experience of a difficult time in my life.  Part of me feels, however, that I need to redefine aspects of my life outside of my relationships with people… especially this one ex-friend.  Perhaps this is a way to begin that process.

Or, maybe I’m just grasping at ways of making this year’s NaBloPoMo a little easier to accomplish in light of the time constraints I will have.  Any suggestions are appreciated!

What type of authentic writing would you like to see during NaBloPoMo?