Confused

Before the falling out I had with my good friend Kay, she bought me a gift: A a 6-month subscription to a “runners box” called Stridebox.  Between the delivery of the 5th and the 6th box, we had our falling out.  I was supposed to receive the 6th box in December of 2014 but it didn’t come until January of 2015, a time when I really, really didn’t want to receive it.  When I saw that 6th box sitting on my kitchen counter that January day, I didn’t know what to do with it.  I didn’t really want it, I didn’t know if I should have thanked her for it despite not talking to her for almost 2 months, and I considered sending it back to her.  I ended up keeping it and never saying anything to her about it.

Since receiving that last Stridebox, I have had little to no contact with Kay.  I think I sent her a message on her birthday the next month, and she never replied.  I may have sent her a few “fundraising messages” through a mass email I sent out over last summer as I raised money to rappel down a building.  She never replied and she never donated to the charity. Last summer when I was forced to close my old blog, I first made it private and invited a select few people to view it.  To my surprise, Kay requested access to the private blog, but from what I could tell, she never visited it after that or requested information about my new blog… She was obviously interested in keeping up with happenings in my life.  Since then, I have been avidly working on moving forward from that point in my life and trying to get her off of my mind.  As some of you may know, this has not always been that easy for me.

Anyhow, can you imagine my confusion (among other various thoughts and emotions) upon finding a brand-new Stridebox sitting on my kitchen counter this afternoon?

Where did it come from?  Who sent it?  Was it Kay?  How can I find out?  What is the significance of this?

I decided to go to the website and make sure that this was a new box… after all, what if it was an old one that got lost in the mail and, just now, made it to my house (even though all 6 of the previous gift were accounted for)?  But no – the box I received is the April/16 box.

Why, after all this time, would I receive one of these boxes?

I am so confused.  I don’t know what to do or think about this.  I honestly can’t think of anyone else who would send me one of these…  If it was Kay who has decided to send this to me, what am I supposed to make of it?

 

Naked

“Mommy, why are your boobies SO BIG!?!”

We’re pretty open about nudity in our house. The boys have seen me naked their whole life and they don’t think twice about it.  Just recently we’ve been drawing the line on the boys coming in the women’s washroom with me when their dad is around, mostly so they learn that there is a reason we have “men’s” and “women’s.”

If I’m being honest, I’ve only started to be more self-conscious about being naked around the boys because of my growing belly and the amount of weight I’ve gained in pregnancy.

This morning, on my day off, I was showering the boys and I got that wonderful question.  I guess it was better than another comment on how HUGE my belly is….

“My boobies are getting ready to make milk for the baby.”

“Oh.” He said. And he walked away.

I thought I was in the clear…

“But Mommy, why is that middle part of your boobies so much more brown and red than the rest of them?”

“…Um… They just are.”

Oh, kids…

Vulnerability Struggle

Today I am leaving for a conference and I have a 4 hour plane ride.  I am bringing Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly with me, as it is the one book of her’s that I have yet to finish reading.

I have found this path of living authentically and with vulnerability has become increasingly challenging.  Lately, I feel like it has been getting me more into “trouble” than benefitting me in any way.  As I’ve opened myself up to vulnerability and allowed myself to appear more “human” and “real” in my everyday life, I have really just opened myself up to more criticism.  I really feel like the world (at least my world) is not ready for this style of living.

I know that the biggest challenge I have with this way of living is that I am currently in limbo between a “real life job” as a physician and the “dependence and judgment” of being a student.  I have chosen this lifestyle for myself for the next 4ish years (I am already 1.5 years into it).  I have allowed myself to be open and honest in certain forums and settings about the struggles I have as a parent, as a hard working mom, and as a physician.  Unfortunately, that has mostly led me to receive comments or criticism about “not appearing happy,” or “being to open.”  I find this makes me feel bad about myself and the decisions I have made.

I feel like instead of standing out as an authentic person, I am struggling to defend myself against criticism. I am hoping that revisiting the origin of my authenticity movement will give me renewed strength and perserverence. Or perhaps it might even guide me back in the gout direction, if it turns out that maybe I have strayed from the right course. 

Depression Setting

I’m starting to feel it.  It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt those tendrils of depression reaching out to grab what they can of me.  There have too many changes in the past 6 weeks and no doubt, that is playing a role.

It’s been a month now since I closed down my last blog.  For more than three years, that blog was my place to go to vent, to find solace, and to commiserate with people who “knew me.”  While there are a few of you here who have “followed” me over here, I have been afraid to blog openly and candidly about my life like I used to.  I feel like my most powerful outlet is gone.

For those of you who are new to my blogging adventures, let me try to summarize, in vague terms, what happened: I blogged anonymously about my life and everything about me.  I had no identifying information about me, but I guess if you really tried hard and you knew me in real life, you could probably piece it together.  I wouldn’t have cared if people knew who I was, except that I’m a resident physician, so I have to maintain some level of professionalism in my work life.  A few days before I closed my blog, someone I work with wrote a very mean and hurtful comment basically saying that everyone I work with reads my blog and I am damaging my reputation.  More people from work came to read my blog and there was lots of gossip and it was stressful.  So I closed it down.  I haven’t even come close to writing about myself and my life here on this blog because part of me is scared (and a little shell shocked) to reveal anything too personal and identifying.

The “blog discovery” caused me a significant amount of stress at work, because while no one talked to me in person about it, I knew people were talking about it behind my back.  I’m confident that it hasn’t affected my reputation, at least with most of the people I work with, but it’s taken a while to come to that realization.  That whole work environment has been stressful because of this.

On my old blog, I used to have goals that I revisited every month.  I was making great progress on my goals and I think it was because my blog followers kept me accountable.  Needless to say, my goals progress has haulted.  My eating habits, my exercise plans, my efforts at personal time, and even my social and reading time has become obsolete.  That’s been hard.  I feel guilty for letting them slide, but I am also feeling the negative effects of “not taking care of myself.”

Part of my inability to meet my goals has also been due to the fact that my work commitments have changed considerably.  For the last 6 weeks, I have been working an average of 11 hours a day (and more if I am on call).  I have been working almost every second weekend for some portion of the weekend.  I am exhausted when I am at home.  The only thing I have found comfort in is sitting down at the end of the day (usually past 10:30) and watching a few episodes of Parks and Recreation with husband before I fall asleep.  But then I feel like maybe instead of watching TV, I should have gone running…

Anyhow, I have been trying to keep up with the things I enjoy, but it hasn’t been keeping up with me.  I haven’t been running and that makes me sad.  I’m always tired when I am at home with the kids, and that makes me sad too.  I contemplating returning to my anti-anxiety medications that I stopped a few months back, but they are not “safe” in pregnancy… I could try something different, but I really don’t feel like putting my body through that experimentation.

So I wonder, where does that leave me.  How do I work at preventing those dark arms of depression from taking a good, strong hold on me?