Clarity

After the confusion that came from the somewhat cryptic gift from an ex- friend, there is now clarity. 

I spent a few days thinking about how I wanted to react to the receipt of this gift. I agreed with the comments that many of you left: it was not enough of a gesture to warrant any response. However, after going back and forth on how I wanted to respond, and evaluating how I felt about the situation, I decided to send a simple “thank-you” email.  My decision to do this was primarily based on my feeling and desire to be compassionate, if nothing else. And, when I said a simple thank-you, I am not exaggerating: 

Thank-you for the recent stridebox you sent. I hope you are doing well. 

I figured this response was simple enough to let her know that I received the gift and that I was “open” to whatever attempt she was making at reconnecting with me. 

By sending this thank-you, I feel like I was still leaving things in her hands. I was also sure that I wasn’t holding out hope that things would go in a certain direction. I really wasn’t sure what to expect after sending the message.  That was two days ago. 

Today I received yet another email from the company’s customer service department.  They explained that there was some kind of “migration error” and that my address was accidentally printed on a label during their monthly subscription process. They apologized for any confusion or inconvenience that their mistake may have caused. 

So, it turns out that Kay didn’t send me that gift… 

Initially I was angry at the company for realizing this error a few days after I inquired about it and thy causally replied that it was send at a gift.  But then I began wondering why they would have “investigated” the situation further… It made little sense. But I guess if Kay was just as confused about my thanking her for something she never sent, she likely also contacted them to sort out the situation. And, instead of contacting me herself to say she didn’t send it, she relied on the company to do it for her. 

I guess I could be mad at the company for their mistake… I could be angryat myself for being the one to break the silence after so long. However, I’m taking this as an opportunity to claim clarity over the situation. I no longer have the question or uncertainty over what this might have meant. Furthermore, I have also likely received some reinfocent over where she stands in relation to our old friendship: she has no interest in having any contact with me, even if it is something as simple as clarifying some kind of small mix-up. 

This is definitely another level of closure that I needed, despite the passage of time. 

(Although I will say that the universe has a twisted and delusional sense of humour…)

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Bad Mommy

After working a long call shift with absolutely no sleep, I was relieved to finally go home and meet up with my blanket and pillow. I was home so early that the kids were just getting ready. Little A was jumping around and excited that I was home: “Mommy!  You’re home!  Are you going to take me to the bus stop?”

I sat down with him to try and explain that mommy had been awake the whole time that he was sleeping. “I’m so tired honey, and I really need to go to sleep. Your bus doesn’t come for another 45 minutes and I can’t stay awake that much more.”

His disappointed voice trailed off as he jumped down from my lap and proceeded to dress himself. “Mommy, I just really wanted you to walk me to the bus stop.  But it’s okay, I guess, because today we are going on a filed trip to the science centre!”

He had been talking about this field trip for the past week with so much excitement. It doesn’t matter that we have passes to the science centre and go fairly regularly, because this time he is going with his school friends. “That’s right, honey!  You have a fun day today, okay!”

I got into my bed and promptly fell asleep. I awoke hours later and lolled through the list of emails on my phone. I was still not rested enough, but knew that if I didn’t wake up then, I wouldn’t get back to sleep later that night. There was one email that caught my attention – it was from A’s educational assistant. She only emails me when there is something she needs to tell me about issues at school:

 “I wanted to email you and let you know that A. was not able to go on the field trip today because his permission form was not signed. He was very upset and I explained to him that there is other field trips coming up that he will be able to take part in. I stayed with him at school and once he was calmed and feeling better we joined the English kindergarten class and he had a good morning.”

I almost started to cry after reading this. I signed an “all encompassing field trip permission form” the week prior and sent it back to school. I remembered that on Friday they sent a revised form home because something had changed on one of the field trips in the future. That form sat on Twitter kitche counter all weekend and I forgot to sign it and send it back. Apparently the school tried to call me, but they claimed to not have a current phone number for me. I was so angry at the school, but I was more angry at myself. 

Before I got out of bed I had visions of my poor little A. Crying at school and not understanding why everyone else was getting on the school bus to go to the science centre and he had to stay behind. I imagined his disappointment, his anger, his helplessness, and his resignation. I then started to cry. 

I slowly got out of bed and opened my bedroom door. It didn’t take more than 10 seconds for little A. To come running into my bedroom: “Mommy, today was a horrible day at school, do you want to know why?”  I let him tell me all about his sad day, even though I already knew about it. And, I quickly relived the pain I caused him over again. 

I fear that these are the things in life that kids never forget. He doesn’t understand that it was my fault that the form wasn’t signed, but that doesn’t make it any better. He will always remember how it felt to stay behind when everyone else got to go. 

Freak Out

Everything was normal until last night, when I noticed that I was feeling “better” that I have been in the last week.  I chalked it up to the fact that I went to Tae Kwon Do and had a great workout.  While I was there, I forgot to wear a sports bra and my poor hormone-affected breasts were bouncing around like bruised and swollen melons – A sign of pregnancy, at least.

I have a day off from work today to “study” for my upcoming licensing exam.  So I had the opportunity to sleep in and then head out to the lab to get my prenatal blood work.  The whole morning, though, I’ve felt kind of “off.”  My breasts haven’t been throbbing like usual, and I haven’t been feeling like gagging on everything, and so I worried that maybe things were headed south.

I wanted some re-assurance, so I checked my own lab results (I know… wag your fingers at me later, please).  My b-hcg was 0!  0!  How could that be, after it was so high only 2 days ago and doubling almost every day?  My brain screamed out to me: “Lab error!!! Lab error!!!” But I can’t ignore what my heart and gut are feeling.  (Let’s be clear, if this was one of my patient’s lab results, I would be convinced it is an error)

I raced home to do another urine pregnancy test.  Even with super-dilute, middle of the day urine, the test turned immediately positive.  IMG_6245This is even more reassurance that the blood test was an error… Blood tests are (supposed) to be more sensitive than a urine test, so how could it be negative when I am still excreting the hormone in my urine.

What are the odds, though, that I would get a lab error on a day when I am feeling “less pregnant” that I have since i suspected I was pregnant in the first place?  This is the universe fucking with me.  Maybe this is another lesson in Vulnerability, seeing has how just yesterday I posted about how we all need to be more open and honest about first trimester pregnancy losses.  Maybe this will become my reality.

I’m trying to be logical and objective, but I can’t… I really can’t…  I’m just freaking out over something that is completely illogical.

How am I supposed to study like this???

*Addendum – as I was about to hit publish, I got a phone call from the clinic, and aside from lecturing me about how I shouldn’t be looking up my own lab results, she said that my blood test was adequately positive (2900). Phew.