This afternoon I will be writing the first part of a two-part surgical exam. This exam is the reason I haven’t been around blogging and reading other blogs much in the last few weeks. I just want this exam to be over. The saddest part about this exam is that I don’t even need to pass it – it is the biggest waste of money and time away from my kids and my life ever. However, when is a Type A personality like me ever going to be okay with failing a test?
Don’t ask me too much about the reasons why I need to write an exam that I don’t actually have to pass – it’s all “politics” within my residency program. Let’s just say that after tomorrow, it will be over and I can stop feeling guilty about being poorly prepared for it and for spending time away from my kids to prepare so poorly.
I am also nearing the end of pregnancy. I have, though, reached that point where I wish the end was here now. I have begun suffering from the “pregnancy insomnia,” to help round off the extreme fatigue I had before that. My poor pubic symphysis is ready to tear apart and my left SI joint is in collaboration with the pubic symphysis to make all daily activities a living, painful nightmare. My physiologic dyspnea is getting worse and I am starting to have tachycardic, bordering on pre-syncopal episodes every day. However, I don’t want to start medication for this because I am so close to the end, and I remember from my last pregnancy that the medications just made me more tired. Plus there is all the other non-pleasantries that go along with the end of pregnancy. Almost 35 weeks! The end is close!
I am stressing out about the end of work, as well. I am still having a hard time accepting the idea that I am taking off the next 5 months of my training – and postposing the completion of my program by as much. I feel lost with the idea that I will fall behind my cohort of residents, but that i won’t actually be part of the new cohort – I will be floating in this in-between, neverland space, like I already feel I do in most of my life. I know I am taking this time to be with my baby and with my family, and I will never get it back, but I can’t seem to get over that right now. I am also supposed to be starting a new, 4-week rotation next week and I am uncertain as to how it will go. Will I be able to finish enough of the rotation that it will be considered complete? Will I be able to stand all day in the OR? Will people just wonder why the heck I decided to try and work right up until I go into labour, instead of taking time off to relax and prepare for the baby’s arrival? I just don’t know! I am motivated to finish this rotation because it means that I don’t have to do it when I come back from my maternity leave (and I don’t have to do call right now, so that makes it more pleasant). However, I just want my pregnancy to be over and the change over from one rotation to the next seems like a good time for this baby to come!
Despite wanting this pregnancy to be over, I am actually really nervous and scared about the changes that come along with bringing home a new baby. Like most people, I hate change. I fear change. I feel like I am in a holding pattern, waiting for this monumentous change to happen so that I can stop fearing it. I am beginning to feel sad that the life as I know it, with my two boys, will be over soon. I remember feeling this way before E was born, but he came only such a short time after A and there wasn’t much of a family routine at that point. But this baby… she’s coming after 4 years of us being a family of 4. We have family vacations, traditions, memories, and a large family portrait of the four of us over our mantle. This is a really big change and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. I feel very out-of-touch with the reasons why I wanted a third baby; now that she is almost here, I fear that having three kids won’t be what I expected it to be. Obviously, there is nothing I can do to change this now, which leads me back to the beginning of my circle: I just want it to be over so that I can stop worrying and fretting and just live!
Living with Authenticity 