Nearing the End

This afternoon I will be writing the first part of a two-part surgical exam.  This exam is the reason I haven’t been around blogging and reading other blogs much in the last few weeks.  I just want this exam to be over.  The saddest part about this exam is that I don’t even need to pass it – it is the biggest waste of money and time away from my kids and my life ever.  However, when is a Type A personality like me ever going to be okay with failing a test?

Don’t ask me too much about the reasons why I need to write an exam that I don’t actually have to pass – it’s all “politics” within my residency program.  Let’s just say that after tomorrow, it will be over and I can stop feeling guilty about being poorly prepared for it and for spending time away from my kids to prepare so poorly.

I am also nearing the end of pregnancy.  I have, though, reached that point where I wish the end was here now.  I have begun suffering from the “pregnancy insomnia,” to help round off the extreme fatigue I had before that. My poor pubic symphysis is ready to tear apart and my left SI joint is in collaboration with the pubic symphysis to make all daily activities a living, painful nightmare.  My physiologic dyspnea is getting worse and I am starting to have tachycardic, bordering on pre-syncopal episodes every day.  However, I don’t want to start medication for this because I am so close to the end, and I remember from my last pregnancy that the medications just made me more tired.  Plus there is all the other non-pleasantries that go along with the end of pregnancy.  Almost 35 weeks!  The end is close!

I am stressing out about the end of work, as well.  I am still having a hard time accepting the idea that I am taking off the next 5 months of my training – and postposing the completion of my program by as much.  I feel lost with the idea that I will fall behind my cohort of residents, but that i won’t actually be part of the new cohort – I will be floating in this in-between, neverland space, like I already feel I do in most of my life.  I know I am taking this time to be with my baby and with my family, and I will never get it back, but I can’t seem to get over that right now.  I am also supposed to be starting a new, 4-week rotation next week and I am uncertain as to how it will go.  Will I be able to finish enough of the rotation that it will be considered complete?  Will I be able to stand all day in the OR?  Will people just wonder why the heck I decided to try and work right up until I go into labour, instead of taking time off to relax and prepare for the baby’s arrival?  I just don’t know!  I am motivated to finish this rotation because it means that I don’t have to do it when I come back from my maternity leave (and I don’t have to do call right now, so that makes it more pleasant).  However, I just want my pregnancy to be over and the change over from one rotation to the next seems like a good time for this baby to come!

Despite wanting this pregnancy to be over, I am actually really nervous and scared about the changes that come along with bringing home a new baby.  Like most people, I hate change.  I fear change.  I feel like I am in a holding pattern, waiting for this monumentous change to happen so that I can stop fearing it.  I am beginning to feel sad that the life as I know it, with my two boys, will be over soon.  I remember feeling this way before E was born, but he came only such a short time after A and there wasn’t much of a family routine at that point.  But this baby… she’s coming after 4 years of us being a family of 4.  We have family vacations, traditions, memories, and a large family portrait of the four of us over our mantle.  This is a really big change and I’m not sure I’m ready for it.  I feel very out-of-touch with the reasons why I wanted a third baby; now that she is almost here, I fear that having three kids won’t be what I expected it to be.  Obviously, there is nothing I can do to change this now, which leads me back to the beginning of my circle: I just want it to be over so that I can stop worrying and fretting and just live!

 

Eight Months

Even though I’ve been through this twice before, I find it impossible to believe that there will likely be a full grown baby ready to pop right out of my belly.  I thought about this in a more cerebral manner than I ever have as I held the perineum of a woman delivering her very own baby this morning.  How is it, that in 8 months, everything so quickly transforms from a little pink line on a pregnancy test to a complete human being coming into the world?

The more important question is, “how will I (can anybody) be ready for this to happen!?”

Eight months is not a long time, yet it is the only time we get to prepare ourselves for the most life changing event ever.  I know it will be enough time, but I can’t believe it: Even though the last two times, it was certainly enough.

What does seem like too much time though, is the time it takes to wait for a better confirmation of this pregnancy.  Just this weekend we have had 3 ladies with ruptured ectopic pregnancies and it has been impossible for me to not think about that possibility for myself.  Or the possibility that I could be one of the 30% of women who have a miscarriage, or something else that would make this pregnancy non-viable.  It feel like forever.

Time is surreal and it makes no sense.  Regardless, we are bound by time, whether we’re ready for it or not.