End of Lonely Days

For the past eight weeks I have been working at a smaller community hospital.  While there are many nurses and other doctors around, I’m not part of those groups.  There have only been two other residents around, and one of them is that one who refuses to talk to me.  For the past eight weeks I have felt myself go into a deeper and lonelier existence as I come to work every day and have little meaningful interactions with the people around me.

It doesn’t help that I am an introverted person by nature and that I find it difficult to just insert myself into other people’s business and conversations.  It also does’t help that I’ve spent the majority of the last eight weeks feeling exhausted and sick and I’ve been unable to talk to anyone at work about how I’m feeling.  To add to those two things, knowing that someone who (for reasons I will never quite understand) seriously dislikes me and will likely talk smack about me behind my back is lingering in the halls and around corners, I have been very tight lipped about anything I say.  While I really enjoy the more laid back work environment at this site, I miss the personal and more human interactions I usually can have at our busier, home-site hospital.

After my call shift tonight, I am done here and will be going back home.  Remind me of this post when I complain about how busy and tired and overworked I am after a few weeks of being back there.

Everything Left Behind

 Starting from the beginning is hard to do, especially when there is so much that is being left behind.  My old blog was my sanctuary and I am bitter to leave it behind.  For three and a half years I gave everything I had into that blog and I loved every minute of it.  I wrestled with many challenges and worked through them with the help of my amazing blogging community, and I am sad to leave them all behind, too.

I am trying to offer myself some comfort in knowing that despite leaving the physical blog behind, I am still taking with me all of the lessons and experiences I learned from there.  Life is not always strong, beautiful, and fearless, but I have become better at being those things because I have experienced those difficulties that challenge those notions.  While I hope to blog in a similar way to my old style, I have made it a goal to learn from the experiences I’ve had over the past three and a half years and move forward with a new beginning.  Perhaps some snippets from my old blog will make occasional appearances here – and that’s because that blog will always be a part of who I am today

From the Beginning

Any one who has common sense will remember that the bewilderments of the eye are of two kinds, and arise from two causes, either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind’s eye, quite as much as of the bodily eye.

—Plato, The Republic
Today I start from the beginning.  But where is that. you ask?
The beginning is really only where the previous end left off, in much the same way that Plato’s bewilderment comes from either coming or going into the light.  Or, maybe it has more to do with seeing from the mind’s eye instead of the body’s eye.
Recently, I have come in from the light (or did I go out into the ligh?  I still don’t really know).  What I have learned, though, is that nothing is ever as it seems: it is never as straightforward, fair, decent, understanding, or utopian as you might have ever believed it to be.
Perhaps this misunderstanding – or incongruent understanding of the human condition – comes from using the wrong eye to look at the world.  I want to believe that to be the case.  And so, as I start off on this new adventure in the world of blogging I will do my best to look forward with the eye of my mind rather than that of my body.
I have said good-bye to a previous blogging adventure, and with nothing shallower than a lake of tears.  With this new path I hope to take what I’ve learned and grow more in my attempts to live honestly, wholeheartedly, and entrenched in authenticity.  I hope to bring elements from the past back to lighten my journey.  Yet, this is also an opportunity for me to close a chapter (or two, or two hundred) in my life that no longer needs to be open.
Perhaps that is exactly what this whole “Living with Authenticity” is meant to be: knowing when to hold on, knowing when to let go, and doing everything in between with strength, integrity, and honesty.