Vulnerability Struggle

Today I am leaving for a conference and I have a 4 hour plane ride.  I am bringing BrenĂ© Brown’s Daring Greatly with me, as it is the one book of her’s that I have yet to finish reading.

I have found this path of living authentically and with vulnerability has become increasingly challenging.  Lately, I feel like it has been getting me more into “trouble” than benefitting me in any way.  As I’ve opened myself up to vulnerability and allowed myself to appear more “human” and “real” in my everyday life, I have really just opened myself up to more criticism.  I really feel like the world (at least my world) is not ready for this style of living.

I know that the biggest challenge I have with this way of living is that I am currently in limbo between a “real life job” as a physician and the “dependence and judgment” of being a student.  I have chosen this lifestyle for myself for the next 4ish years (I am already 1.5 years into it).  I have allowed myself to be open and honest in certain forums and settings about the struggles I have as a parent, as a hard working mom, and as a physician.  Unfortunately, that has mostly led me to receive comments or criticism about “not appearing happy,” or “being to open.”  I find this makes me feel bad about myself and the decisions I have made.

I feel like instead of standing out as an authentic person, I am struggling to defend myself against criticism. I am hoping that revisiting the origin of my authenticity movement will give me renewed strength and perserverence. Or perhaps it might even guide me back in the gout direction, if it turns out that maybe I have strayed from the right course. 

The Next Visit

I’m on the train, heading to the airport at the end of my weekend trip. I didn’t have much time to myself on this trip, but I did manage a quick walk around the harbour to enjoy the scenery – especially the autum foliage. Oh how I love autumn!

For two days I’ve been helping to plan a conference that won’t be taking place until June. Nine months from now. Nine months. For the entire weekend (including when I passed up my favourite wine at dinner last night), I was acutely aware of where I’ll be in nine months. If I’m lucky, I’ll be back here in June, and with a baby on the outside. How hard to imagine!  

How very much will be different after that time passes: there will no longer be red leaves at my feet and an entire little human being will exist who doesn’t exist now. 

The next time I visit this city, whether it be nine months from now or later, I will be a mother of three.

 (If everything goes the way it should)

On To Book 10

This weekend I am off on a quick “all expenses paid” trip to an Oceanside side city for a conference planning meeting. I’m not as keen on going as I was two months ago when I agreed to the trip; I am tired and nauseous and I just want to lay low and sleep. 

Regardless, I am committed and I’m going to make the best of it. The hotel is right next to the ocean, so hopefully I’ll get in a beach walk. But even more exciting, is probably the opportunity for some time to myself: to do anything I want!

This book has been burning a hole in my bookshelf for a long, long time. I’m excited to get into it and see how much I can read over this weekend!  

Here’s to 2015’s Book #10!