Week off Work

I am off work this week for “vacation.”  I have nothing planned except to study for an upcoming exam and to get back into some sort of exercise routine.  Today, though, I have already found myself tired and overwhelmed with nothingness that I have locked myself in my bedroom under the muse of studying.  So far I have: done a headspace meditation, drank my coffee, checked in in facebook, and ignored my child.  Now I am blogging.

I have found myself to be extremely tired.  I was on call over the weekend, but for the few nights before that, I went to bed right after I put my kids to bed.  I have been doing nothing but eating, sleeping, and working, quite literally.  I am feeling myself getting grumpier and heavier and somewhat depressed.  I am hoping that this week will help to cheer me up, but I fear that it’s just going to make me realize more of what I miss about my home life – or else make me feel like a bad mom for locking myself away from some time to myself.

It was my goal to stay on top of running and exercise during this pregnancy to prevent myself from gaining 50 pounds like I did the last two times.  I was also hoping that I would be able to curb some of the complications I had in my last pregnancy by being more active.  Unfortunately, the exhaustion and nausea has been overwhelming and I haven’t been doing anything.  Last week I only went to TKD once and even that was a challenge.  I have already been gaining weight and it is making me grumpy.  I know it is my own fault, but I can’t seem to stop myself from eating, especially when I am not nauseous.  It also doesn’t help that I have continued to have spotting all week, which makes me feel like I should be taking it a little easier, physically.

Today I am setting less-than-lofty goals.  I am going to go for a massage, since I had that booked a while ago.  But then I am going to go for a 5K jog/walk around the neighbourhood later this afternoon, likely with my older son on his bike.  This will make me feel better about being active and also about spending time with my kids.  Later I will take my younger son to his little soccer game/practice.  I will go to TKD, and I will also get a little bit of studying in as well.  That’s all for today.

Wish me luck as I try to lift this cloud of grumpy exhaustion from around my head this week.

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Survival Mode

I have entered survival mode. I fear it is not working well – I feel the desire to cry, and also quit. 

I was on call last night. The only thing that makes my nausea worse is being overtired, so being on all right now is something I dread even more than normal. In survival mode, a call shift means “do the bare minimum, try not to puke, and maybe get a bit of sleep.”  I’ve been doin a pretty good job of all of that, but this afternoon my chief resident called me to give me some “feedback.”  

“They want to see you around the case room more often.  You aren’t around for as many opportunities, and I know they could call you, but they want to see more initiative.”  I know I’ve been slacking a little at work and that knowledge in itself has been making me feel bad about myself. But hearing this from someone else just made me cry. I have nothing left to give.

How do I know I have nothing left? I spenty entire day today laying around, quite literally. I went from my bed after waking up, to the couch where I dosed during a movie, to the basement spare bedroom while I listened to the kids play, back to the couch for another dosing movie, and now I’m back in bed. I have such little energy that I couldn’t even stay vertical to spend some quality time with my kids. Like I said, I have nothing left. I am even a crappy mom right now. 

All I want to do is cry.  

Quit and cry. 

How do I make survival mode more effective?