I have entered survival mode. I fear it is not working well – I feel the desire to cry, and also quit.
I was on call last night. The only thing that makes my nausea worse is being overtired, so being on all right now is something I dread even more than normal. In survival mode, a call shift means “do the bare minimum, try not to puke, and maybe get a bit of sleep.” I’ve been doin a pretty good job of all of that, but this afternoon my chief resident called me to give me some “feedback.”
“They want to see you around the case room more often. You aren’t around for as many opportunities, and I know they could call you, but they want to see more initiative.” I know I’ve been slacking a little at work and that knowledge in itself has been making me feel bad about myself. But hearing this from someone else just made me cry. I have nothing left to give.
How do I know I have nothing left? I spenty entire day today laying around, quite literally. I went from my bed after waking up, to the couch where I dosed during a movie, to the basement spare bedroom while I listened to the kids play, back to the couch for another dosing movie, and now I’m back in bed. I have such little energy that I couldn’t even stay vertical to spend some quality time with my kids. Like I said, I have nothing left. I am even a crappy mom right now.
All I want to do is cry.
Quit and cry.
How do I make survival mode more effective?