Throwback – Frozen Time

Do you ever wish you could just freeze a moment in time? Maybe not to prevent time from moving, but just to preserve that moment and go back to it as many times as you want. I imagine it would be like having a favorite song and playing it over and over again, whenever you want. It wouldn’t be the same as taking a picture and looking at it whenever you want – it would be more than that. It would involve preservation of the thoughts, the emotions, the feelings… everything that was happening in that moment. It would be like re-living the moment and re-interacting with the people, and re-experiencing those emotions.
I don’t have this desire too often, but occasionally I will be in a moment that I just wish I could re-live an infinite number of times. I try to play it over again in my head and let myself feel the emotions that came along with it. Unfortunately, the feelings fade and the memories become vague. A conversation dwindles into a sentence or two, and even that eventually becomes nothing more than the faint memory of a friendly smile. Finally, there is nothing left to feel and nothing left to remember so I am left waiting for an experience to replace that lost memory. When it finally comes around again, I swear that I will preserve it differently and make it last longer.
Almost always, I want to freeze the feeling of being cherished; the feeling of being cared for and nurtured and being made special. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not the actual moment that I care most about. Instead, it is the desire to revel in those feelings as much as possible. It’s like I’m trying to make up for lost time, or trying to fill up a vase that as been neglected for too long. I don’t know if I can ever catch up with this emotional short fall – and maybe that is the reason I am always afraid to lose the moments that matter the most to me. 

Originally published on The Old Blog, August 2013

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Throwback: The Past is Never Far

…And scars are souvenirs you never lose,
The past is never far.
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don’t it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are…

She was 13.  She sat in the corner, on the back bench of the city bus.  She held her new Sony Discman in her hand, the headphones circling her head like miniature ear-muffs.  This was supposed to make her cool, make her fit in – but it didn’t.  At least she didn’t think so.  She may have only been 13, but she was older than that, really; she was older than she was supposed to be.  Life was tough and tumultuous for that little girl.  It hurt.

It was a long bus ride to school.  The other kids got on the bus and she looked at them from her seat in the corner.  They were supposed to be cool, too.  She thought they were.  But she just sat there, holding her Discman, watching the white CD spin round and round and round.  She only listened to one song, over and over and over.  Repeated, day after day after day.

“Name” by The Goo Goo Dolls.

It’s been 16 years, but that song still plays.  And, every time it hits the radio, she goes back to that seat on the bus.

Life has changed but the song stays the same.  The hurt feels the same.  A prophesy come true.

…We grew up way too fast
And now there’s nothing to believe,
And reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio,
And I won’t tell no one your name.

**Originally posted Feb 2013 on The Old Blog