I Am The Leftovers

“Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts, it’s what you do with what you have left.”

~Hubert H. Humphrey

 

It has almost been a year since I hit “rock bottom,” or “the bottom of the barrel,” or whatever expression you use to describe the worst and most dark moments of life.  When I wrote last year’s post based on this quotation, I actually thought I was there, and I didn’t possibly think it could get any worse.  A few weeks later and I lost one of the most important friends and supports I had in my life.  I realize that it could have gotten even worse from there… but it didn’t.  Thank Goodness.

I spent much of my time and energy last year focussing on everything that was taken away.  I realize now, that this was likely one of the reasons this friendship was stolen away from me.  While I could post quotations about how real friend see you though everything, or that they are the ones who are still standing by you when you come out of those dark moments, and passively lay blame on a person who was actually nothing more than a shitty friend, I won’t.  I also won’t put myself down and take the blame that was handed to me and convince myself that “if only” I hadn’t been such a bad person (or something along those lines), I would still have her friendship.  There are two sides to every situation, and I’m merely realizing that I was negative, and broken, and maybe not working as hard as I could have at picking up the pieces.  Anyhow, I digress.

Last year I was at least thankful that something I “had left” was this friendship that was going to support me and see me through.  But then I lost that, too.  So, really, what did I have left in the end?

Here’s what I had (and still have, mind you):
My husband and my kids, who have loved me unconditionally and are here for me always.
My willpower, which saw me run a half-marathon this year… something I never though I would do.
My dedication to my self and my values, which has (somehow) led me to the decision for a third baby (despite my already crazy life)
My work ethic and my dedication to my job, which has not wavered and sees me succeed on a daily basis, even when it doesn’t seem as much.

Do you notice what all of this things I had have in common?  They are all about ME.  They are all parts of me; my traits; the best parts of the person I am.  Those are things that are left even when it feels like I have lost everything else.  After everything is gone, regardless of whether is was just or fair, in the end there is only me.  The question becomes, then: What can you do for yourself when everything else is gone?

Reflection is a Powerful Tool

There was never a quotation for November 2nd.  Instead, I talked about my gift to my friend: What was in it, how I assembled it, how I delivered it, and how she would get the first quotation the next day.

Today, there is still no quotation.  There is, however, still a gift… a gift for me.  This gift is the tool of reflection.  I have been going back through the posts from last November and I have been making some interesting discoveries about myself and how much has changed in the past year.

I thought things were difficult for me now.  But, they were much worse for me then.  While it’s sad to think that I was in such a low place last year, it is reassuring and affirmative to realize that I have overcome so much and that my perspective on my life and my choices has changed.  I won’t elaborate too much on this for now, as I don’t want to spoil what’s to come in the next few days.

Even though I am only 2 days into the project (and only a few nights into re-reading and pre-scheduling posts), I am quickly realizing that reflecting on this part of my life was probably a very good decision.  I can already feel that my perspective on my life at this current time is changing.  I have overcome so much, and I can continue to overcome everything ahead.