Mommy Guilt Doesn’t Win

Today is the last weekday of my vacation, technically.  Tomorrow we are headed out of town for the holiday long weekend.

I complain every day that I dislike my job for how little time it leaves me to spend with my kids and my family.  Yet every day this week I found reasons to sequester in my room to “study” for an upcoming exam, take a nap, have coffee with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, go for lunch with my husband, etc.  I have spent some time with my kids – taking them to their various lessons through the week, dropping the little one off at preschool, walking the big one to the bus stop in the morning and waiting at the door to wave to the bus driver when they drop him off at lunch.  I’ve (kind of) eaten breakfast with them every morning, walked to the park with them once or twice… basically, I have spent much more time with them this week than I do on normal weeks, but I still haven’t make it my priority to spend every minute that I can with them.  In fact, one day they even drove me beyond crazy!

So my question is, why do I not feel more inclined to spend my time off with my kids?  Even today, for example, while the big kid is at school and the little one is with the Nanny, I am sitting in a Starbucks sipping coffee, blogging, and then hopefully studying.  My goal is to go home and see them after lunch, take them to the park, and then who knows what, until it’s time to leave for our road trip.

IMG_6336Is there something strange about my difficult dichotomy?  When I work, I complain that I don’t have enough time to spend with my kids, but then I have a week off work, and I don’t spend all my time with them.  And, I can’t even say that the guilt works because my older kid is always saying, “Mom, why do you always have to study/go for coffee/go to an appointment…?” Yet, I still go out.  I know they want to spend time with me, and I want to spend time with them too.  But I don’t know why I feel so… exhausted…