It hit me like a tonne of bricks this morning: Everything about my Freak out yesterday stems from my pathological desire to have control over everything.
I am imagining the conversation I will have with my psychologist later this afternoon: “I wanted to control something that I can’t control… it’s not my job to control this and really, it can’t be controlled.”
This control problem that I have is something that I’ve suffered with for a long time. It has been an ongoing theme with my anxiety issues and something that my psychologist and I have been trying to work through for many many months. Learning to recognize what I can and can’t control, and then accept those limitations is something that I am not very good at doing. But then again, I suspect that many people have this problem as well; isn’t there a prayer for this exact problem?
Perhaps the reason I am feeling so bad about what happened yesterday is because subconsciously I know that I was trying to take control of a situation that I cannot control. Not only can I not control this situation, I can’t change what happens. What if that number had really been zero? Or what if it was dropping – there would be absolutely nothing I could do to prevent the inevitable. Yesterday, I clearly lacked the Wisdom to make such a differentiation. I also lacked the serenity to accept the fact that this is something out of my realm of control.
It is a hard thing to accept – a lack of control. In my life I struggle with the knowledge that I have control over very little. I know this adds undue stress and anxiety. I know I need to accept this truth and find peace with it.
God, grant me the Serenity…