It seems like people talk about it more, now that it’s gone. Not the ones I wished would have talked about it – people outside of work – the people who would have loved reading it for what it really was.
“I heard that you blog.”
“Yes, I do – I did – I guess I still do. It’s just not the same.”
I’ve still been mourning the loss of my old blog. I’m finding it difficult to get back into a place of comfort and belonging in this new space. I don’t really know why, since it’s the same platform and there are some of the same readers, and some great new readers, and nothing else has really changed. Except that I feel sensored. I feel like I failed at the one thing I wanted to do: express myself like it didn’t really matter. But then it did, and I quit.
“I haven’t heard anyone talking about you in a bad way. In fact, the only thing I’ve ever heard anyone say about you is that you’re a good surgeon, and at this point in your training, that’s a really good thing to have people saying about you.”
I didn’t blog last week because I was feeling down about life. I was experiencing a relapse of everything that I’ve experienced before and it was heightened by a new level of exhaustion and frustration. I thought, momentarily, to blog about it. However, all the background is gone : three years history of anxiety struggles, medical struggles, parenting struggles – everything that was previously so well documented isn’t there anymore. So where do I start? It feels hopeless.
I know it’s not hopeless, but it doesn’t change the feeling all that much. I just have to remember that I do have some great blogging friends – new and old – who are here to read whatever I have to say. I just have to get back to saying it.