I have days like today, and weeks like this week, where I feel like I am spinning the tires of my life. My day-to-day life is is routine, ordinary, and far from exciting.
I am acutely aware that my work is my training. I have yet to reach a point in my career where I love my job. I know this is because I am not in control of my daily choices. Work, therefore, becomes a place I go because I have to. It is paying my dues and eventually it will be over. Just last month I was starting to get to a point where I felt like I was almost over the worst of it. This year of residency – the workhorse year – where I we are expected to work like slaves, it is almost over. But then this week we started planning out the schedules for the next year of residency (which is supposed to start in July) and once my maternity leave is incorporated into the schedule, I won’t actually start that year of training until November/December. I thought I was so much further ahead.
I know – I am taking off that time to have a baby: Time I will have to spend at home with my new addition and the two boys I already feel I never see. I shouldn’t complain, because it’s not time that I’m working, it’s time that I will be investing in something else… Something arguably more important than work.
This belly of mine, it continues to grow, yet it feels slow. In two months this pregnancy will be over and life will never be the same. But it scares me to think of this change. Why did I decide to do this again?
It’s hard to see that life is moving forward when each day is a repeat of the last. The mornings are rushed to get out of the house and start a 10 hour working day. The evenings are a blur of kids activities, snack time, reading, bedtime routines, and exhaustion. My bedtime quickly ensues. And so, from day to day, nothing changes. I feel like I’m stuck in a hamster wheel and that my efforts are taking me in circles.
How, exactly, do you step back to appreciate the way your life evolves over time? How do you come to understand the role of the little things in the “big picture?” I want to feel like I am moving forward every day: I want something to change, to be momentous, and to remind my why I am here and living and working so hard. What is the answer?