“It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
And this time I’m not leaving without you”
~Stefani Germanotta (Lady Gaga)
I know I haven’t been here blogging for quite a long time (almost a year and a half…), but there was something about blogging that just didn’t satisfy me the way it did before. If you’ve followed my blog for a while, then you know I used to have a different blog before. I missed that blog and I was always just a little bit angry that I couldn’t have it back.
Lately, after lots of self exploration, acceptance, healing, and reflection, I decided I can have it back. And most importantly, that I shouldn’t turn my back on anything that is ME or MINE because someone else felt that they could take it away from me.
So after all this thought and reflection, I have decided to go back to my old blog: I re-opened it and somehow, over the next few months I will be finding a way to fuse my two blogging personas back into one. This also means that anyone who did not follow me from my old blog can actually see the other part of me… the part of me that got torn and criticized, and the part of me that I ran away from.
I’m not sure what the form of my blogging will be in the coming months, because not only do I have to figure out how to navigate it, I also have my final residency board exams in a few months and studying for those takes up most (read: all) of my time. So, check out my old (and becoming new again) blog here and also, forgive me for my extended hiatus!
If you’ve ever lost yourself amidst the chaos of daily life, then you might understand why I stopped blogging. There was a long stretch of time where I felt that the person I use to be was missing, or maybe stolen… and that was the person who loved to blog. I gave up when the posts I wrote felt forced (you should see the number of drafts collecting dust in that folder) and blogging wasn’t fun anymore. That person who opened up her soul to an online world of similar soul searchers was slowly choked away; It started with the abrupt demise of The Cranky Giraffe and culminated with the realization that I no longer wanted the life I was living.
Today, I admitted to someone that I used to blog. It hurts when I say “used to.” She asked me why I stopped and I didn’t have a good answer. Maybe I did have a good answer for why I stopped: “Because I wasn’t anonymous anymore and I lost my mojo and I was unfairly judged.” But the real reason was because I wasn’t the person I used to be. I was sad and lost, and I wasn’t recovering.
In obeying the rules and expectations from some external force, I watched as my very essence slipped through my own fingers. However, I grasped the last fray before it was completely gone; as if I could see in slow motion that the last piece was falling to the ground. What started as an epiphany has progressively blossomed into a path of courage, strength, and disobedience. I’ve let that last fray grow back and intertwine through my fingertips and up to my chest. I breath it into my lungs and pump it out through my body. I feel like I am finally recovering.
I’ve found myself called back to the blog. I’ve found myself called back to many things I used to love and I have slowly been re-discovering the person I am (not used-to-be).