Confused

Before the falling out I had with my good friend Kay, she bought me a gift: A a 6-month subscription to a “runners box” called Stridebox.  Between the delivery of the 5th and the 6th box, we had our falling out.  I was supposed to receive the 6th box in December of 2014 but it didn’t come until January of 2015, a time when I really, really didn’t want to receive it.  When I saw that 6th box sitting on my kitchen counter that January day, I didn’t know what to do with it.  I didn’t really want it, I didn’t know if I should have thanked her for it despite not talking to her for almost 2 months, and I considered sending it back to her.  I ended up keeping it and never saying anything to her about it.

Since receiving that last Stridebox, I have had little to no contact with Kay.  I think I sent her a message on her birthday the next month, and she never replied.  I may have sent her a few “fundraising messages” through a mass email I sent out over last summer as I raised money to rappel down a building.  She never replied and she never donated to the charity. Last summer when I was forced to close my old blog, I first made it private and invited a select few people to view it.  To my surprise, Kay requested access to the private blog, but from what I could tell, she never visited it after that or requested information about my new blog… She was obviously interested in keeping up with happenings in my life.  Since then, I have been avidly working on moving forward from that point in my life and trying to get her off of my mind.  As some of you may know, this has not always been that easy for me.

Anyhow, can you imagine my confusion (among other various thoughts and emotions) upon finding a brand-new Stridebox sitting on my kitchen counter this afternoon?

Where did it come from?  Who sent it?  Was it Kay?  How can I find out?  What is the significance of this?

I decided to go to the website and make sure that this was a new box… after all, what if it was an old one that got lost in the mail and, just now, made it to my house (even though all 6 of the previous gift were accounted for)?  But no – the box I received is the April/16 box.

Why, after all this time, would I receive one of these boxes?

I am so confused.  I don’t know what to do or think about this.  I honestly can’t think of anyone else who would send me one of these…  If it was Kay who has decided to send this to me, what am I supposed to make of it?

 

What’s The Reason?

Last night I watched the movie “Sisters” with my husband. It’s not often that we get a chance to watch an adult movie together and we were both in the mood for some mindless comedy. I am also a huge fan of both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I enjoyed the movie enough, yet something about the last scene of the movie struck a sensitive chord with me.

This scene, which extended into the rolling credits, sees both women dancing with each other, obviously havin a good time just goofing off and enjoying the best parts of their friendship with each other. Watching this reminded me of the chapters in each of their books where they talk about the development, importance, and significance of their friendship with each other. I was reminded that I don’t have this kind of friendship or relationship with another woman. It makes me sad to realize that. 

This realization was significant for me at this moment. Over the past few days I have been having more dreams and pervasive thoughts about my old friend Kay, whom I’ve mentioned a few times here on this blog. While she is often on my mind more than I would like to admit, I don’t know why dreams of her and I becoming friends again seem to come back in waves and bounds and overwhelm me, with little explanation. Sine the middle of last week, I have probably dreamt about her 3 times and then spent the proceeding days fixated on why they are plaguing me, or what those dreams mean.

This week, however, has been different from the previous times I’ve thought about her. This time I have an overwhelming feeling that I should be acting on my thoughts: reaching out to her and somehow telling her how she’s been on my mind. I almost feel like there is some kind of “force” that is telling me that she needs to hear from me. 

But why?

When I am sad about how our friendship failed, I try to find solace in pictures, quotes, and memes that circulate through social media: Those ones that encourage us to let go of the people in our lives who hurt us, or to recognize when people are causing distress in our life and decide to remove them (as I try to understand why she ended the friendship), or just simply accepting that the sun sets on some relationships even when we don’t always know why.  So, I don’t understand why, after so long, I still feel compelled to reach out. What good will it do?

Besides likely lead to more rejection, what could possibly come from this? What do I think is going to happen?  It’s not like anything will ever be close to what it was before – it’s not like I will ever have the valuable closeness and sister-like relationship that I saw in its purest form at the end of the movie last night….

However, I can’t stop thinking about the one time, far back at the beginning of our mentoring relationship, when I took a step out of my comfort zone and sent her a letter of kindness and support. I feared, for weeks, that I had steeps over a boundary; yet it turned out that my letter was the exact offer of kindness and compassion that she needed in her moment of struggle.  It was that letter that really paved the way for what Our friendship did become. Are these dreams and thoughts just some calling that she needs this kind of compassion now?

I don’t know.  It’s doesn’t make sense to me. And mostly, I am just confused about what I am thinking about and why I feel so compelled to reach out to someone who hurt me so much an showed such little compassion to me in my time of need.