A Different Decision

We face decisions everyday.  Some are those types of decisions that are made without even thinking: Starbucks coffee? Pants or shorts? Dinner in or dinner out?

But what about those decisions that feel impossible to make?  Those decisions that seem to have no right and no wrong choice? Each choice is equally good and equally bad… So the decision becomes an impossible one to make.

Or maybe there is a clear right and a clear wrong to the decision, but you are just unable to elucidate which is which.  There are those times when the wrong decision feels like the right decision and you get fooled into making the wrong choice.

Has this happened to you?

My maternity leave is coming to an end.  I specifically chose to only take 5 months of my full year leave because I didn’t want to put myself too far behind in my training.  I don’t want my surgical skills to wane, I want to write my exam on time, I want to stay with my cohort of colleagues, and part of me misses work.

The trade-off: I could spend a whole 7 more months at home with my kids.

I don’t feel ready to go back.  The time I have had off feels like it has been stolen from me because I’ve had to deal with work problems while I’ve been off.  We are losing our nanny and my husband doesn’t want a new one; therefore, our childcare situation going forward is rather precarious.  I feel, deep down inside of my soul, that going back to work in two weeks is going to cause my home/family life to spin out of control.

Lately I have been thinking more about extending my leave and taking off my full year.  The reasons I made the initial decision haven’t changed, but I feel like priorities have shifted.  Despite this shift, I find this decision is still impossible to make.  There is no clear right or wrong, and the advice I get from everyone I talk to is the same: Do what’s best for you and your family.

Unfortunately, I feel like what’s best for me and my family is not very clear right now.

Taste in Music

My taste in music has varied widely over the course of my life, as I’m sure it has for most people. As a child I grew up listening to my dad’s extensive collection of classic rock and alternative music. It was not uncommon to witness a 6-year-old me belting out the lyrics to The Resevoir Dogs. Then there was the time, at the ripe old age of 10, when I nodded my head to the new Red Hot Chili Peppers’ album and pretended to understand how the lyrics of those songs had “saved my dad while in drug rehab.”

I went through a pretty intense Smashing Pumpkins phase in middle school, and that somehow morphed into a tamer Dixie Chicks / Pop-Country phase by the time I graduated high school.  I feel like in my early adult life, it was easy for me to settle into a life of enjoying popular country music, especially since I was living in a place where country music was popular and listened to by many people.  When I moved away, however, that was no longer the case and given the fact that there was no good country radio station to listen to anymore, I began listening to “whatever I could find.”

Over the past 7 or 8 years I would say that I’ve predominantly listened mostly to pop music (which I am a little ashamed to admit).  However, I haven’t really had much time to listen to music, to be honest.  With the proliferation of iTunes and apps like Songza, I branched out a little more and was able to customize my own play list a little more.  I elicited some advice from fellow bloggers for good running music, or relied on song list concierges on phone apps to pick some upbeat running songs.

When I’m not running, though, it seems like my car radio is often found on my local Virgin Radio station.  This has become rather annoying lately, as I’ve gotten sick of hearing the same 5 songs (two of them Justin Bieber songs) multiple times a day (I’ve also been spending too much time in my car)! Therefore, I’ve started experimenting with listening to different stations again and I’ve found myself drawn back to the country music station (now that I am living back where more people like and listen to country music).  I came to the realization that this is a good and necessary change in my life after this exchange happened between me and my older son over the weekend:

*Driving to Soccer Game*:
A: Mommy, can you put the radio station on [Virgin radio], please?
Me: (Hesitantly) Okay, just for a little bit
*Changing the radio and hearing… Justin Bieber…  The next song starts: “Hotline Bling” by Drake
A: YES!  My favorite song! (As he throws his hands in the air)
Me: *Promptly changed the radio station.*

Sorry, My 5-year-old’s favourite song is not going to be a song about late night booty calls.  I guess it’s time to really re-evaluate the music I choose to listen to!