Ultrasound Emotions

12:30pm – I’m nervous. I’m going for my ultrasound soon and I really have no idea what it’s going to show. I also have no idea how I’m going to react. For the past few days I’ve been feeling like maybe it was a bad decision to have another baby. I haven’t been coping well with the exhaustion and nausea, especially at work. I’ve been unsure of why I made this decision in the first place. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. However, when I pulled my doctor to the side of the hospital hallway this morning to tell her about what was happening and she showed me the slightest bit of sympathy, I had to fight back the tears. Yes, it is nerve wracking. If I really did doubt this pregnancy now, you’d think I would be less emotional about this all. I’m trying to remain ca and tell myself that, whatever the result, everything will ultimately be okay. I hope I  right, either way. 

1:45pm – I’m in the waiting room for the ultrasound. My bladder is very, very full. The nurse from my Dr office told me that if I drank enough water, they might not need to do an endovaginal scan. I wish she didn’t tell me that because  I’m worried they will do it anyway and that extra time and waiting will just cause more stress and anxiety. Does I’m having a hard time with the idea that it might not be okay. I keep thinking that nothing’s wrong and all of this is just a huge precaution; maybe something that needs to happen to show me how much I really do want with baby. I am fully prepared for the results to be normal and to go back to work…

2:10pm – It’s all done. This time they put the image up on a big television screen in front of me while she scanned for the images. Very quickly she passed over my uterus and the embryo. Even though she went quicklu, I know what to look for and I thought I was the flickering heartbeat. 

I was right.  There is a heartbeat. Everything is okay for now. I feel a sense of relief. 

The Next Visit

  
I’m on the train, heading to the airport at the end of my weekend trip. I didn’t have much time to myself on this trip, but I did manage a quick walk around the harbour to enjoy the scenery – especially the autum foliage. Oh how I love autumn!

For two days I’ve been helping to plan a conference that won’t be taking place until June. Nine months from now. Nine months. For the entire weekend (including when I passed up my favourite wine at dinner last night), I was acutely aware of where I’ll be in nine months. If I’m lucky, I’ll be back here in June, and with a baby on the outside. How hard to imagine!  

How very much will be different after that time passes: there will no longer be red leaves at my feet and an entire little human being will exist who doesn’t exist now. 

The next time I visit this city, whether it be nine months from now or later, I will be a mother of three.

 (If everything goes the way it should)

Eight Months

Even though I’ve been through this twice before, I find it impossible to believe that there will likely be a full grown baby ready to pop right out of my belly.  I thought about this in a more cerebral manner than I ever have as I held the perineum of a woman delivering her very own baby this morning.  How is it, that in 8 months, everything so quickly transforms from a little pink line on a pregnancy test to a complete human being coming into the world?

The more important question is, “how will I (can anybody) be ready for this to happen!?”

Eight months is not a long time, yet it is the only time we get to prepare ourselves for the most life changing event ever.  I know it will be enough time, but I can’t believe it: Even though the last two times, it was certainly enough.

What does seem like too much time though, is the time it takes to wait for a better confirmation of this pregnancy.  Just this weekend we have had 3 ladies with ruptured ectopic pregnancies and it has been impossible for me to not think about that possibility for myself.  Or the possibility that I could be one of the 30% of women who have a miscarriage, or something else that would make this pregnancy non-viable.  It feel like forever.

Time is surreal and it makes no sense.  Regardless, we are bound by time, whether we’re ready for it or not.