Finding Myself

“One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.”
K.L. Toth


Image Credit: Google Images

How do we know when we are on the right path in life?
How do we know that we made all the right decisions for all the right reasons?

I have come to a crossroads, perhaps a crossing of paths like the one famously described by Robert Frost’s most quoted poem.

I’m acutely aware of a dissonance in my life – the two largest parts of my life suddenly seem to clash with each other.  I am not a happy mother because I know that when it comes to my kids, I have sacrificed more of what they need of me than makes me comfortable.  I am not a happy resident because I’ve come to realize that perhaps the amalgamation of my parts – the very aspects of my life that make me the person I am – does not completely fit the criteria of what my superiors want to see.

I cannot take more away from my life at home – from my children; from me – and force myself to become someone who isn’t really the person I am meant to be.  If I continue down this path, I know that at the end I will be more unhappy than I am right now.

Unfortunately, the other path is scary, unknown, and not what I ever imagined in my life.  I don’t know what the end will look like or what I have to traverse to get to that end.

What I do know is this:
I am a mother to three beautiful children, and that should be celebrated.
I am a physician who is caring and compassionate, and that should be valued.
I work hard to bring balance to my life, and that should be what matters most.

I love my job, but do I love my job enough to let the other pieces of myself wither away?

10 thoughts on “Finding Myself

      • It’s an option, but I don’t want to be 40 before I start making money , getting out of debt, etc. I’m just more struggling with the idea that I feel “not good enough” despite actually being good enough. When I get criticized for appearing disinterested and not committed to surgery when 37 wks pregnant, despite doing everything “right,” it really makes me think…

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  1. Oh Aggie… =( 16 years ago I gave up my career to stay at home with my child. The first 6 years or so were the hardest, then it calmed down to a manageable grief. Fitting myself into the box that hubby-no-more wanted me in broke off so many of my good bits, I did not even recognize myself as my marriage crumbled…

    I share this NOT to sway your decision, ONLY to let you know that no matter WHAT you choose, it will be hard, and a scarce on your part. Only you can decide where to draw the line and to cross it or not. Know that better women than I have had more success, at least to varying degrees… it is a bitch sometimes to be a mum and have a career… funnily enough, my ex never dealt with any of this emotional mess. I wish you a good night’s sleep, a beautiful morning with that lovely wee one, and a day or two of utter peace in order to make a decision that you can embrace. No matter what, we are here, and totally believe in YOU !!!!! =) =)

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    • Thanks for the perspective. I don’t think I’m looking at giving up my career – maybe just changing directions a little bit… I don’t know. Mostly I just feel like a square peg being forced into a round hole. Or maybe the other way around… I just want to feel like I’m making the right decisions…

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  2. When you get criticized for appearing disinterested and not committed to surgery when 37 wks pregnant, despite doing everything “right”, makes me think that only a person with some other issue would criticize you for that. Have you considered, it’s him/her, not you?

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