The “No Time” Life

Everyday I come up with some great thoughts and ideas that I want to blog about.  Everyday, however, I never find time to sit down at my computer to write them out.  Right now I have borrowed some time: baby El is awake but content in her swing.  A is at school.  E is distracting our Nanny.  I am sitting at the kitchen table drinking cold coffee, awkwardly holing my breast pump in place with my forearms as I type this post  (I’m still waiting for my pumping bra to arrive from Amazon).  I am lamenting the fact that today was A’s year end party at school and I missed it … because it it totally escaped my mind after I read the notice sent home last week.  I am not looking forward to explaining my absence to a sullen little boy when he gets off the bus in about an hour from now.

Yesterday I eagerly sat down on the bed, ready for my marathon afternoon of nursing El to get her to sleep, and I placed my computer within reach – hoping that maybe I could blog about one of the many thoughts that have been floating around in my head.  Unfortunately, El wasn’t going to cooperate.  After an hour of struggling to get her to sleep, I decided to wrap her up in the carrier and take her for a walk.  While on my walk I came up with a great idea: I could make a voice memo of my blog ideas and then transcribe them another time. So that’s what I did!  I walked and I recorded some great blog ideas.

But this morning, with my borrowed time to blog, I didn’t feel like listening or transcribing any of my ideas from yesterday.  I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment; like the emotions that go along with the posts was missing and I was just transcribing some sort of task.  My sadness was extended because I didn’t want to listen to or write down my thoughts from yesterday (really, for the past week or so that have been neglected).  Instead, I decided to write about these feelings of disappointment.

My lack of blogging is just one place that I have been feeling disappointment.  For weeks now I have been trying to find time to add some breast pumping sessions to my day with the hopes of increasing my milk supply.  I want to do this slowly in anticipation of my return to work in 3 months, and also to counteract the likelihood that my supply will decrease when I have my IUD inserted in a few weeks.  Alas – that hasn’t been happening reliably.  Let’s also not forget about my unfortunate omission of A’s celebration today.  And then there is the complete lack of time (and energy) to get back into an exercise regime.  The weight loss has slowed and it’s time to kick it up a little, but there is no time.  My only form of exercise comes as leisurely strolls around my community with a fussy baby strapped to my chest. Oh, and there is also a serious lack of quality time that I spend with my other two kids… I feel like an epic failure.

I know that;s not the case; but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.  I want my life to go back to having some reliable structure and from, even if that structure is different than what it used to be.  Like most, I am a creature of habit and I thrive on routine and schedule.  This daily routine of “no/poor sleep – nurse fussy baby all day – maybe eat – maybe drink coffee – maybe shower – maybe do something I want to do” is really starting to eat away at my will.  I’m not sure what to do to change things up…

3 thoughts on “The “No Time” Life

  1. “I thrive on routine and schedule”… I’m right there with you, Aggie! =) But this might be hard to pull off with a new baby and all… =) =) Deep breath, warm coffee, and 30second dance party. We are here, and here we will remain and no worries about the blog. The snap of Baby El is worth it, at least from this end. You get to feeling blue, just smell her little head. There’s nothing in the world that new baby smell can’t cure. =) =) =)

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  2. I think you’re feeling sad because you’re telling yourself that you’re a failure. I know me saying you’re not won’t help, but you telling yourself that you are certainly isn’t.
    Go easy on yourself, having a baby is constant work for the first few months. Think about what you can control at this chaotic time, and then focus on one or two of those. Let the rest go until things settle.
    Take it from one who’s been there and done that a long time ago – this is a fraction of your life that will be gone before you know it. Don’t beat yourself up about what’s not happening, just do what you can and love that baby, and hopefully, when she’s a grown woman like you, you’ll reflect back on these moments and realise how precious they were.
    Now, how about a nap? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • As always, you are right, Juli! I went for tea the other day with a new Doc mom I met online – we are both on maternity leave. We realized, in our conversation, how different and difficult being at home is compared to being at work. They are both such demanding jobs in such different ways and it seems like we have to learn how to function in this new place. Baby El is just starting to smile EVERY time she sees my face and it just melts my heart. I know that in three months, when I go back to work, I will be very sad and apprehensive to leave this part of my life behind.

      Liked by 1 person

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