First Steps

Today I was supposed to be at a conference for work.  Initially, I was determined to go despite being on maternity leave; I wanted to show that I am hard working, committed, and engaged.  I also worked very hard all year to plan an important even that is happening at this conference – today actually.

Going to the meeting, however, would have meant travelling by plane, alone with baby El.  It would have meant staying in a hotel room alone for 4 nights and single handedly taking care of the baby, while also trying to attend the meetings and give off the vibe that I have it all together.  It would have likely been far from enjoyable.  So, I decided to stay home and enjoy this time with my family.

Staying home also means that instead of spending over $1000 to attend a conference, I can save that money and use it towards a family vacation.

Despite the overwhelmingly good reasons to stay home and not attend the conference, it was a difficult decision to make.  This is the first decision (I guess the second decision, if you count having a baby and taking a maternity leave) I have made in my career that puts my family ahead of my desire to be “the best I can be” in my work life.  This is like the first step in “retraining” myself to put my family and my role of Mother ahead of work and my role as Doctor.

This was not a hard decision to make, but it was difficult to execute, mentally.  I knew the right thing to do was to not go and stay with my kids and baby at home.  But I feel sad and I am mourning: I feel like I have thrown away an opportunity to show myself off as a dedicated, hard working, and committed resident.  Likely, it wouldn’t have made a difference to anyone but me.

Hopefully these steps get easier as the time goes on.  I feel it is imperative that I make this change in my life

5 thoughts on “First Steps

  1. As a Veteran, I can tell you I COMPLETELY understand your desire to put family first, as well as “be present” as much as possible at work. =) It is a hard struggle, and on that everywoman who has employment she cares about and a family she loves has to deal with, to varying degrees.

    My solution (rather my ex’s solution) was for me to allow my contract to expire, and be at home. I love my child to the moon and back but would not recommend that course of action. I KNOW in my heart that it can be done, with all the grace and finesse that you are known for in these here parts. =) =)

    Here’s to more of those decisions, and no regret, and the ability to discern what is the best decision for you and your family, even when those things seem mutually exclusive. You’ve got this, Momma =)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think for as long as we hold a career and our role as “mother”, we will have to make hard decisions. Sometimes really hard decisions. I am confident your commitment to your profession and all of your hard work will be reflected in dozens of other ways. Plus, isn’t there always some conference we could go to? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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