Today I was supposed to be at a conference for work. Initially, I was determined to go despite being on maternity leave; I wanted to show that I am hard working, committed, and engaged. I also worked very hard all year to plan an important even that is happening at this conference – today actually.
Going to the meeting, however, would have meant travelling by plane, alone with baby El. It would have meant staying in a hotel room alone for 4 nights and single handedly taking care of the baby, while also trying to attend the meetings and give off the vibe that I have it all together. It would have likely been far from enjoyable. So, I decided to stay home and enjoy this time with my family.
Staying home also means that instead of spending over $1000 to attend a conference, I can save that money and use it towards a family vacation.
Despite the overwhelmingly good reasons to stay home and not attend the conference, it was a difficult decision to make. This is the first decision (I guess the second decision, if you count having a baby and taking a maternity leave) I have made in my career that puts my family ahead of my desire to be “the best I can be” in my work life. This is like the first step in “retraining” myself to put my family and my role of Mother ahead of work and my role as Doctor.
This was not a hard decision to make, but it was difficult to execute, mentally. I knew the right thing to do was to not go and stay with my kids and baby at home. But I feel sad and I am mourning: I feel like I have thrown away an opportunity to show myself off as a dedicated, hard working, and committed resident. Likely, it wouldn’t have made a difference to anyone but me.
Hopefully these steps get easier as the time goes on. I feel it is imperative that I make this change in my life