“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It’s not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”
It seems as though this quotation didn’t fit with my mindset last year, and it certainly doesn’t fit with how I am feeling now, either. Or maybe, if I look at it from a different angle, it does make sense.
A few days ago I wrote a post about hope being a song that we sing in the depth of our being – something that never stops no matter what. Right now I am tired and overworked and I feel like hope is the only thing I have – I hope that I get through all of this and that it will be worth it in the end.
Does that make sense? I don’t know. Maybe according to this quotation, it is supposed to makes sense. Whether or not all of this hard work pays of in the end… hmm… I’m not sure if it makes sense for it to not turn out. That would be a whole lot of “nonsense.”
The other day I met with one of the staff to go over my evaluations from a few months ago: For July and August. Apparently everyone only had good things to say about me: I am hard working, I have good surgical skills, I work well under pressure, I don’t get stressed out, I make good assessments and plans, I know my limits, I don’t get bogged down in the minute details… but there was one thing that seemed to concern people – they were worried that I seemed unhappy. I didn’t know what to make of that comment, or what to do with it.
I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s hard to always be smiling and cheerful when you are tired and wondering if you’ve made all the right decisions in life. Or more vaguely stated, when you’re not sure if everything in your life makes sense. So what do I take away from that feedback session? I should be happier when I’m at work, maybe? Obviously I know that these last few months haven’t been easy for me, and there is a reason I see a psychologist on a regular basis. Overall, I didn’t know what to say. I enlightened her on the whole “people at work found my blog and I was criticized and harassed online because of it and everyone at work was talking about it behind my back” situation that happened in the middle of July. I told her how I completely shut down at that point because I didn’t know who I could trust to talk to about anything, even something as simple as a night with my kids. Maybe that contributed to it… I don’t know. Or maybe it’s just my personality… maybe that’s it!
Regardless, nothing ever makes sense. I feel like I am blindly floating around with the hope that in the end everything will fall into place… some kind of place.