So, This is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that can be.
Excerpt from The Old Blog, November 1, 2014:
I have good days and bad days – I’m not yet sure if any type predominates over the other and there is a really good chance that most days are good and bad. On the good days I often ask myself how things can seem so good when I know there is so much missing from my life – so much that I left behind and that I know is happening concurrently… I could be a part of that. On the bad days, I wonder why I can’t just get over it and move on and accept all the wonderful experiences and opportunities that lie before me. When it comes down to it, I am healthy, I have healthy children, I have a loving and supportive husband, and I am successful in my career aspirations. What is there to be unhappy about?
A year has passed since I wrote this, and it’s interesting to realize that while circumstances have changed a fair bit, the underlying emotion is the same. The landscape of my life is significantly different than it was at this time last year: I am pregnant with a third child – something I never thought would actually happen. I am no longer friends with the one person who was probably one of the most influential people in my life over the course of the preceding five years. It has been and interesting year as I’ve learned more about myself and the decisions that I’ve made in the past few years and how they’ve gotten me to where I am today.
Last year for NaBloPoMo I chose a to elaborate on a series of quotations to include in a daily gift to this important friend in my life. over the course of the month, rather than staying in touch with this friend and exploring the gift with her, she pulled away from me. Shortly after the end of the month, she ended our friendship and we haven’t spoken since. A year has passed and I still think of her oten – more often than I would like or care to admit. I decided, therefore, that this month I will force myself back through the series of quotations that I chose for her and re-evaluate them as they pertain to my life now, one year later. All of the quotations I chose had a theme of “Everything Being Okay.” They were uplifting, reassuring, supportive, and funny. I’m hoping that by going through these and re-experiencing them in the context of my life today, perhaps I can achieve another step closer to full closure on the chapter of my life that involved this friend. We shall see.
So for today I will look back on this quotation and say that I am overall very happy with where my life decisions have led me. Despite this truth, I struggle with the day-to-day challenges of a busy lifestyle, two young boys, pregnancy, and wondering how I will manage to fit a whole new tiny human into my life in the next six months.
November… here I come!