Old Habits

When I was younger, I was obsessed with Sandra Bullock.  I wrote a post about this obsession on my Old Blog back in 2014 (see below) when I was moving and needed to clean out my DVD collection for our garage sale.  I know there were many reasons why I had this significant obsession with a rather young, beautiful movie star:  I was young, sad, insecure, and lonely.  Throughout my teens I “got to know” Sandra Quite well.  I watched so many of her movies so many times that I became familiar with personal mannerisms that appeared in many movies; small things, like the way she would grunt in frustration, the way she rolls her eyes, the way she coughs, runs… you get the idea.  As I’ve gotten older, I haven’t followed her as closely as I used to.  Although, for old times sake I will usually see her new movies when they come out.

This past weekend I was visiting my family for the Canadian Thanksgiving Holiday and my mom and I were flipping through Netflix to find a movie to watch.  I found that I was excited to watch an old Sandra Bullock classic – Practical Magic.  Once the movie was over, I discovered that I was more than excited to have watched it:  I felt a sense of comfort and familiarity.  So much so that the next night after the kids were tucked in bed, I found another of her movies on Netflix – The Proposal.  On our drive home I was thinking about the significance of my little “Sandra Bullock Binge” and I realized that there was something about me back when I was young that has come back to me and is somehow soothed by this old habit.  This something, I don’t exactly know what, is that feeling of sadness, uncertainly, loneliness, and who knows what else… But it is back and wanting to find comfort in something old and familiar.

I don’t know what to make of al this, except I know that life is feeling more challenging than normal right now.  I wonder if it also has something to do with this time of year, as we are getting close to the same time as last year when I started feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.  I have found it difficult to be motivated to keep my mood up, stay on top of exercise, be interested in my kids, enjoy my job, and be excited about my pregnancy.  Life really feels like it is closing in on me right now, and perhaps finding some old habits to help comfort me isn’t a bad idea.

Originally Published on The Old Blog, May 2014:

When I was 12 years old, I spent a week of my christmas vacation at my dad’s house.  All I did for a whole week was watch movies.  There was one movie in particular that I fell in love with and watched over, and over, and over again.  You’ll never guess which one…

I’ll give you a hint: It’s about a bus… a bus with a bomb.

Yes.  That’s right.  A 12 year old girl became obsessed with “Speed.”

Maybe it was because of Keanu Reeves, you say?  Nope.  It was because of Sandra Bullock.  In that week, I became obsessed with Sandra Bullock.  In some way, she became this woman I looked up to and strived to be like – for a while I wanted to move to Hollywood and become a famous actress… Clearly, I never did that.

For quite  along time after that, I watched every movie that Sandra Bullock ever made.  I bought any magazine that she was ever in.  I wanted to have hair cuts like her, and I wanted to look like her… you name it.  Sometimes I even imagined that we were friends, that we’d have conversations, and that she cared about what I was doing in my life (yes, I was clearly a lonely and neglected child).

This full-on obsession lasted probably until I was nearing the end of high school.  And while it tamed down, however, I continued to pay attention to what was going on in her life and what movies she was coming out with.  Even to this day, I still try to see all her movies… I did see Gravity!

Today while I was going through our crawl space and sorting stuff to either pack or sell in our garage sale, I found all my DVDs.  I put most of the movies into the “sell” pile, but I pulled out all of my Sandra Bullock movies.  I clearly haven’t taken time to watch any of these movies in a very, very long time, seeing how there were stored away in the recesses of my house.  I asked myself why I felt the need to keep them.  And the truth is, I couldn’t bring myself to throw away the last bit of proof I have that that part of my life happened.

For many years, I made Sandra Bullock an important part of my life.  It may sound silly, or childish, or obsessive, but regardless – it got me through some really tough times.  Today I am obviously not as “into” her as I was then, but it doesn’t change the past.  After staring at this pile of movies for an unnatural length of time, I finally made the decision that it was time to part with the movies.  Whether I continue to possess them or not, or if I never watch them again, it won’t change the past – it will always be with me.

And with that, I took a picture of my little collection and placed all my Sandra Bullock DVDs into the “garage sale” pile.

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8 thoughts on “Old Habits

  1. Sandra Bullock is pretty amazing. 🙂

    As for how you are feeling, I always think that kind of feeling we get is just to let us know that yes, we are still human and that means we have vulnerabilities. And if we don’t get a little rain once in a while, we can’t appreciate that sunshine as much. I hope sunshine reaches you soon. You have a lot going for you and you’re amazing. Don’t forget that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A lot of people go to a dark place when the season changes from warm to chilly. Curlingnup with
    Old movies is comforting. Sandra Bullock is one of my favorite actresses she comes off as real. I would read any articles I came across on her too. There is nothing wrong with admiring a movie star and comforted by their movies. Hope you crawl out your funk.

    Liked by 1 person

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