12:30pm – I’m nervous. I’m going for my ultrasound soon and I really have no idea what it’s going to show. I also have no idea how I’m going to react. For the past few days I’ve been feeling like maybe it was a bad decision to have another baby. I haven’t been coping well with the exhaustion and nausea, especially at work. I’ve been unsure of why I made this decision in the first place. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. However, when I pulled my doctor to the side of the hospital hallway this morning to tell her about what was happening and she showed me the slightest bit of sympathy, I had to fight back the tears. Yes, it is nerve wracking. If I really did doubt this pregnancy now, you’d think I would be less emotional about this all. I’m trying to remain ca and tell myself that, whatever the result, everything will ultimately be okay. I hope I right, either way.
1:45pm – I’m in the waiting room for the ultrasound. My bladder is very, very full. The nurse from my Dr office told me that if I drank enough water, they might not need to do an endovaginal scan. I wish she didn’t tell me that because I’m worried they will do it anyway and that extra time and waiting will just cause more stress and anxiety. Does I’m having a hard time with the idea that it might not be okay. I keep thinking that nothing’s wrong and all of this is just a huge precaution; maybe something that needs to happen to show me how much I really do want with baby. I am fully prepared for the results to be normal and to go back to work…
2:10pm – It’s all done. This time they put the image up on a big television screen in front of me while she scanned for the images. Very quickly she passed over my uterus and the embryo. Even though she went quicklu, I know what to look for and I thought I was the flickering heartbeat.
I was right. There is a heartbeat. Everything is okay for now. I feel a sense of relief.