The Perils of Pregnancy – 1st Trimester Edition

*Disclaimer: I realize that pregnancy is a *beautiful* time and there are many women who struggle with infertility, so I should be grateful to be pregnant.  I AM grateful.  However, I do believe in the right to complain…*

What To Expect When You’re Expecting. Yes.  I read that book cover to cover during my first pregnancy.  It did answer quite a few of my questions and offer some sage advice on what it normal and not normal in pregnancy.  However, it seems to neglect mentioning all the atrocities of pregnancy that no one ever tells you about – even those of us who have been pregnant before neglect to mention these little, but annoying pregnancy perils.

There is no worse culprit than the first trimester: You don’t look pregnant, you don’t feel your baby moving, you feel like shit, and no one but you knows you’re pregnant.  So here they are, the perils of the first trimester:

Hair growth – Those luscious pregnancy locks that everyone brags about?  Sure, they might show up eventually… but you know what shows up first?  Thick hair where you least expect it – inner thighs, anyone?  Didn’t I just shave 3 hours ago?  What about that little “treasure trail?”  And the worst… Down There… ont he back side.  Since when does my back end look and feel like my husband’s back side?  In pregnancy… That’s when!  (Sorry to start out with TMI…)

Constipation – Another downside of all that hair?  The cleanliness factor.  Which I guess isn’t such an issue when you are only pooping every 4 days!  When I was younger I wondered why “old people” were so obsessed with their bowel habits.  Now I know why: Because when I’, used to going every day and now I’m lucky if I go once a week.  Wow.  Does it ever suck.  And where is all that poop going?  I’ll tell you later… For now, I am just feeling a need to celebrate whenever I have an urge to visit the bathroom (for this deed, though… not the other).

Softness – Swelling… water retention… relaxation… call it whatever you want.  Hormones make you soft, spongy, and ready to hold on to every ounce of water that you drink.  It’s amazing how much water you’re really able to hold on to when you’re peeing so often and hardly drinking for fear that it will come right back up again.  But, the pregnant female is resourceful and will scavenge that fluid from anywhere (including the bowels, where all that waste is just sitting… forever.  The websites will tell you that all this “softening” is your body preparing for the stretching and relaxation to make room for the baby.  Whatever.  All I know is that it makes me feel like a blimp with a soft pudgy ring of dough that could make people think I am already 6 months pregnant – except that it is completely compressible and only the result of swollen subcutaneous tissue, swollen, sluggish bowels, and incompetent (and yes, swollen) abdominal muscles.

Narcolepsy – The last time I ever felt that I could fall asleep anywhere, without warning, was probably way back on the verge of my memory – when I was a child and had the luxury of being able to do so.  Now I just walk around like The Walking Dead, hoping that I make it to the next opportunity to sit down before I let my eyes close for even 5 seconds.  This is not conducive to a functional lifestyle.  Not as a doctor… or as a mother… or even as a general human being.

Hunger-nausea Continuum – Am I hungry?  Or wait?  Am I going to puke?  Or maybe it’s just that I have to pee… Every sensation felt by my body right now is, quite literally, a feeling of nausea.  I spend a significant portion of my day wondering if I should try to eat *something* and wondering if that is going to make me feel better or worse.  The worst is when the hunger nausea continuum has reached so far that you are fooled into thinking you are hungry only to be half-way done swallowing that first bite of food only to realize that it will be a miracle if you are able to finish that swallow.  Yes.  There is no guarantees while attempting to navigate the hunger-nausea continuum.

Nippie Nips – Remember those lady bots in the Austin Powers movie?  The ones who had retractible guns as nipples?  How about having those little erect guns as nipples, All. The. Time.  And, if it’s not bad enough that the are up and hard and standing at attention every waking (and non-waking) minute, the always feel like they have just finished firing.  In other words… don’t touch!  They are sore and sensitive to even the smallest touch – such as the material from your pyjamas at night, and the excited and curious husband who mistakenly believes that these erect nipples are an invitation for him. No.  Hands off.  It is already time for the around-the-clock bra, and I’m not even nursing yet.

I’m sure there are more perils that I have forgot to mention, as my brain is already succumbing to the drain affectionately known as “pregnancy brain.”  I will resist the urge to add a second “1st Trimester Edition” to the Perils of Pregnancy series, as I might be accused of hating this beautiful process.  Let me just say that nothing is “All Beautiful.”  Nothing.

What was your least favorite part of early pregnancy?  Or were you one of those people who had a perfect-from-the start pregnancy? (I won’t hate you, I promise…)

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15 thoughts on “The Perils of Pregnancy – 1st Trimester Edition

  1. Morning sickness seems to get shrugged off by folks as a movie punch line where the pregnant lady suddenly needs to vomit during an inappropriate time, leading to laughter all around. But morning sickness is like a month long stomach flu! You could not pay me enough to go through this again! Of course, I said that last time too… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I concur, Aggie darling… your blog, your complaints ! =) =)

    After losing my son and then many years of infertility, I guess you could say I was one of those thrilled by it all types… on paper at least. In reality the morning sickness I could deal with, the trigger finger gag reflex that left me vomiting every time I brushed my teeth until she was 4 months old, I could handle. My worst part was the sheer terror, 42 weeks and one days worth of sheer terror that the foxling wouldn’t stick. On a continuous loop “Don’t stress, you will lose the baby… wait, I am going to LOSE THE BABY… shhh, don’t stress, you’ll lose the baby”… My other memorable moment was the 3 day migraine that left me hospitalized and dehydrated, of course HAD to be treated by that point… and of course, we all know the wonderful things hard core drugs do to a developing sweet pea !

    Luckily, all’s well that ends well, and after I was delivered of a happy, healthy and beautiful baby girl, I would not have sex with The Professor again until he got snipped. =) It was a wonderful time, many very happy memories, but for me, one was the absolute limit.

    Oh… and the boobs. Giant, pillowy, soft as heaven HUGE boobs… on my size 2 with a basketball in front frame, I felt like a porn star and got so much male attention, it was rather flattering ! And sort of gross, I mean, I was heavily pregnant… =)

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    • I really, really feel those people who have stories like yours. I am so lucky to have never, yet, had the struggles you describe. I may joke about how much these things “suck,” but o should clarify that the moment these feeling disappear, I would begin to freak out. Why don’t I want to gag on everything? Why aren’t my boobs sore? Is my pregnancy okay? Why, oh why couldn’t this experience only be good and beautiful?

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      • It’s ll good… seriously. =) Didn’t tell to rain on the parade, just to iterate how far I have come from uber-anal-retentive freaking out-er to mostly sunshine with occasional partially cloudy skies. =)

        I too wish there was some way to just make it magical for us gals… just think how fun it would be to just feel no worry and only HAPPINESS !!!!! =) =) Kind of like between that 3rd and 4th pina colada… =) =)

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