I am losing the battle against exhaustion. It is now taking its hold over my mental skill and mood. I am sure that I could sleep all day and never feel rested. I can’t decide if this is a normal physiological change, combined with the medications I take for nausea, or if it is other, more worrisome factors. You see, along with exhaustion comes a certain level of disinterest, irritability, grumpiness, and an all around dismal mood.
Today I have the day off to “study.” I plan to do a little but of studying, but so far I have slept in, walked my older son to the bus stop, eaten breakfast, dropped my nanny and younger son at the grocery store, picked up a coffee and a muffin (which I didn’t really need, seeing as how I ate breakfast), and drove across the city to an appointment I made to talk about “options.” It may sound like a productive morning, but what concerns me most about the whole morning is that I didn’t really feel inclined to spend time on my day off with my kids. I was glad to bring one to the bus stop, and even though I am 45 min early for my meeting, I thought I would use this time to “study” instead of hanging out with my younger son. Interesting, considering that my biggest complaint in life is that I don’t get to spend much time with my kids.
Even last night, for example, I had a very half-assed approach to the bedtime routine: I was half passed out on the bed while my husband got the boys ready and when they were tucked in I went and spent less than 5 min with each of them to say goodnight and give them kisses. Dead-mom. Totally.
I am worried that maybe my mood and my anxiety are taking over a little, but I don’t know where that leaves me right now. The medications that I took before are not safe in pregnancy, and I have never really tolerated the ones that are safe in pregnancy. And, if it isn’t my mood, then will all of this pass when I am feeling less exhausted? And, when will that be, if ever?
I am feeling a little lost, guilty, and unsure of what to do. This meeting I have coming up has everything do with “options” for my training program. Do I continue doing what I’m doing or do I do something else. I love what I do (except right now when all I care about doing is sleeping) but I don’t like doing it for 11 hours a day and two weekends a month… for the next 4 years. But does that mean I find something else that I maybe don’t enjoy as much but will give me more time to spend with my kids (and to also sleep?). I really don’t know the answer and that stresses me out.
How do I get more sleep? How do I become a better mother when I’m this exhausted? What do I give up?
Do you ever feel like your level of exhaustion gets in the way of your parenting? What do you do about it?