Combat Exhaustion

I am losing the battle against exhaustion.  It is now taking its hold over my mental skill and mood.  I am sure that I could sleep all day and never feel rested.  I can’t decide if this is a normal physiological change, combined with the medications I take for nausea, or if it is other, more worrisome factors.  You see, along with exhaustion comes a certain level of disinterest, irritability, grumpiness, and an all around dismal mood.

Today I have the day off to “study.”  I plan to do a little but of studying, but so far I have slept in, walked my older son to the bus stop, eaten breakfast, dropped my nanny and younger son at the grocery store, picked up a coffee and a muffin (which I didn’t really need, seeing as how I ate breakfast), and drove across the city to an appointment I made to talk about “options.”  It may sound like a productive morning, but what concerns me most about the whole morning is that I didn’t really feel inclined to spend time on my day off with my kids.  I was glad to bring one to the bus stop, and even though I am 45 min early for my meeting, I thought I would use this time to “study” instead of hanging out with my younger son.  Interesting, considering that my biggest complaint in life is that I don’t get to spend much time with my kids.

Even last night, for example, I had a very half-assed approach to the bedtime routine: I was half passed out on the bed while my husband got the boys ready and when they were tucked in I went and spent less than 5 min with each of them to say goodnight and give them kisses.  Dead-mom.  Totally.

I am worried that maybe my mood and my anxiety are taking over a little, but I don’t know where that leaves me right now.  The medications that I took before are not safe in pregnancy, and I have never really tolerated the ones that are safe in pregnancy.  And, if it isn’t my mood, then will all of this pass when I am feeling less exhausted?  And, when will that be, if ever?

I am feeling a little lost, guilty, and unsure of what to do.  This meeting I have coming up has everything do with “options” for my training program.  Do I continue doing what I’m doing or do I do something else.  I love what I do (except right now when all I care about doing is sleeping) but I don’t like doing it for 11 hours a day and two weekends a month… for the next 4 years.  But does that mean I find something else that I maybe don’t enjoy as much but will give me more time to spend with my kids (and to also sleep?).  I really don’t know the answer and that stresses me out.

How do I get more sleep?  How do I become a better mother when I’m this exhausted?  What do I give up?

Do you ever feel like your level of exhaustion gets in the way of your parenting?  What do you do about it?

2 thoughts on “Combat Exhaustion

  1. I remember being so tired my first trimester, so much so that my roommate called her best friend, who was a nurse, and told her about how tired I was, and disinterested and falling asleep on the couch… and she was reassured that I was behaving normally. I was pretty textbook on the tired the entire first trimester part – it was like as soon as I hit the 2nd stage I was back to normal 🙂
    Of course, normal now means my kiddo is 17 and maybe after he’s out of high school I’ll finally get a full 8 hours of sleep at night! And of course exhaustion plays into poor parenting, and it plays into weight gain and so many, many other things! You have to take care of you and your body or you aren’t any good to anyone else in your life. So, I’ll send you some restorative energy as you go through this!

    Liked by 1 person

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