Relinquish Control

It hit me like a tonne of bricks this morning: Everything about my Freak out yesterday stems from my pathological desire to have control over everything.

I am imagining the conversation I will have with my psychologist later this afternoon: “I wanted to control something that I can’t control… it’s not my job to control this and really, it can’t be controlled.”

This control problem that I have is something that I’ve suffered with for a long time.  It has been an ongoing theme with my anxiety issues and something that my psychologist and I have been trying to work through for many many months.  Learning to recognize what I can and can’t control, and then accept those limitations is something that I am not very good at doing.  But then again, I suspect that many people have this problem as well; isn’t there a prayer for this exact problem?
Perhaps the reason I am feeling so bad about what happened yesterday is because subconsciously I know that I was trying to take control of a situation that I cannot control.  Not only can I not control this situation, I can’t change what happens.  What if that number had really been zero?  Or what if it was dropping – there would be absolutely nothing I could do to prevent the inevitable.  Yesterday, I clearly lacked the Wisdom to make such a differentiation.  I also lacked the serenity to accept the fact that this is something out of my realm of control.

It is a hard thing to accept – a lack of control.  In my life I struggle with the knowledge that I have control over very little.  I know this adds undue stress and anxiety.  I know I need to accept this truth and find peace with it.

God, grant me the Serenity…

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6 thoughts on “Relinquish Control

  1. I heard that the reason we worry about the future is we think that by worrying about it, we can control it. Yeah. No. The only thing we can do right now, is show up and act with our highest virtues. Compassion, kindness, love, generosity. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hahahhahaha, when I was pregnant was when I had my control freak freakout. Nothing challenges us near as much as pregnancy will – I learned a hard lesson about not being able to control things then 🙂 Here is to learning how to live in the Now you have, not the Now that you want to control 😀

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  3. I can relate to this in a BIG way. I think having children is a great teacher on the subject, too, beyond pregnancy and birth. We want everything to be perfect for them, but the reality is that if they never felt sad, or hurt, or failed at things out in the big bad world, they’d miss out on so many learning curves and their lives wouldn’t be perfect..

    I often wish I had more serenity when it comes to those things I can’t control. Thanks for the reminder and good luck with your serenity. .

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, my first decision is no more blood tests! I am obviously pregnant now and there is nothing I can do to make it more or less so. It does make me feel good to know that I’m not the only person who struggles with the whole serenity thing. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

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