The only thing that is positive right now is this stick I peed on yesterday:
I am not positive how I feel about this pee stick. If I go back to Wednesday evening, when I eagerly sought out the results of my blood test, I initially had a surge of excitement seeing that the result were “abnormal.” I was slightly dejected when I saw the number: “38… That’s it!?!”
Given that over 25 is considered positive, this is a very guarded positive and I have mixed feelings about it. I am supposed to have the test repeated today to see if it is going up, but yesterday I couldn’t help but do another urine test “just to see.” It was faintly positive (the picture above), which is a change from the negative urine test I had only two days before. I tested so early because I was feeling so “off” and despite the weak positive results, those feelings are intensifying.
I am scared. What have I done? Anyone who’s known me in my old blog life knows that this decision is something I have thought about extensively for years. Now that I’ve done it, I’m not so sure.
I’m barely 4 weeks pregnant and I’m already nauseous (my nauseous anxiety probably doesn’t help), which causes me significant stress at work. It’s bad enough that I’m afraid of vomiting, but what if I’m scrubbed into a surgery, or delivering someone’s baby and I suddenly get that wave of horrible nausea? What am I going to?
Mere hours after getting the “barely positive” blood test result the other night, I was running around the labour ward helping women being their new babies into the world. “Am I going to be ready for this again?” “In about 8 months, I’m going to be the one laying on this bed with my legs spread wide open”
Then at 2am, as I sit down to repair the perineum of a horribly exhausted mother, I can’t help but hear the new infant fussing and crying and I think, “I’m not ready for another 6+ months of fussy babies and no sleep and sheer exhaustion.” But then again, my life is already sheer exhaustion. Is it only going to get worse, or is there no more worse than this?
There is nothing that I am positive about in this situation. You could even argue that my attitude is less than positive. I hope that changes soon, too.
(Interestingnly, as I write this post I feel anxious that maybe this isn’t going to be a real pregnancy – and I think that makes me a little sad to think about)