Mixed Emotions

Tomorrow is D-day (or P-Day, really).  I can’t decide what result I’m hoping for: Period or Missed Period. 

Over the course of the last 3 months, I have been becoming more confused about my decision for baby #3.  I’ve thought about it extensively over the past few years, but having my IUD removed and then my life getting so much busier simultaneously, I’ve been feeling more anxious about the decision and the effort to get pregnant. 

I feel like I’m on a 2 week up and down rollercoaster of emotion. I am disappointed when I realize I’m not pregnant and then I determine that I’m going to try harder. But then I’m post ovulation and I spend 2 weeks stressing out that I’ve made a mistake.  Finally, I get to this point where I’m mere days away from an answer and I really don’t know what I want. Last month when D-day came early, I remember not feeling as disappointed as I had in previous months. I also don’t think I’ve been “trying” as hard this month (and maybe that’s more schedule related than anything, but hard to be objective). 

These last few days I’ve had waves of mild nausea and a prominent gag sensation (but I’m always nauseated so I can’t rely much on that). I’ve been having moments of feeling hot and sweaty every morning for the last few days.  I’ve been getting a gross metallic taste in my mouth on-and-off for 2 days.  I’ve been more exhausted and falling asleep earlier at night. Today, it’s not even lunch time and I’ve already peed 5 times. 

I have a signed requisition for a blood pregnancy test sitting in my pocket and while I want to get it done, I’m scared of the result.  I really, really don’t know what I want. I don’t know if this is normal. 

9 thoughts on “Mixed Emotions

  1. You just described what is probably the most normal thing any woman can feel about pregnancy; mixed emotions. =) Even after trying for years, I was literally PETRIFIED when the test for our foxling came back positive. Abashed to admit now, I spent many Saturday afternoons in Chinatown in Boston and New York getting fresh herbal concoctions to make me hold onto that pregnancy, as well as flying out to a reservation and having her “blessed” by a medicine man… needless to say, things worked out in my favor. =)

    GAH, sorry for hijacking you post there, have virtually no control of my faculties until I have had more caffeine. =)

    All I can say is that I hope it works out the way that would please you the most, and the ups and downs are nothing but a thing… =) Best wishes and hugs, off to read more of your posts to see the outcome… =)

    Liked by 1 person

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