The Weight

If I’m being completely honest, I am extremely upset and disappointed with myself over my current weight.  I’m not “fat” and I wouldn’t even call myself overweight (even though my BMI is probably in that category these days).  However, I have been “letting” myself gain weight steadily for the past 6 months.  I’ve used the excuse that life has been too stressful.  A year ago I moved and relocated to a new city for a job – it was not a move that I wanted to make.  Since then I have been struggling with getting my life back in order, keeping my ridiculous anxiety under control, and just keeping myself afloat day-to-day.

I am scared to get on the scale now, but at the beginning of July, after my two-week vacation to Florida, I was weighing in at 25 pounds heavier than I was last July.  I’m pretty sure I can add at least another 5 -10 pounds to that total in the last month.  I’s like to say that I’ve been trying to curb the weight gain: At the beginning of the year I made a goal to run 1000Km this year, I started packing healthy lunches, I joined a TaeKwonDo club… In March, despite the numbers still creeping up, I joined weight watchers, I stepped up my game and started training for a half marathon, and in May, I actually did it!  But despite all this work, I’ve never stayed truly committed.  And so I have a weight watchers membership that is not being used, I’ll be lucky to run 500Km this year (in fact, I only ran 20Km in the whole month of July), and I am pushing the waistband on all my my clothing.  Let’s not even talk about how gross I feel and how much I can’t stand looking at my body in the mirror.

Despite all of this negative feelings around my weight gain, I still feel like I have no motivation to change anything.  I feel like working 11 hours a day most days is a good enough excuse to not run at the end of the day.  Being exhausted by the time my kids are in bed justifies not packing a lunch for he next day.  And because I’m awake and at work at 3am, I am allowed to eat the take out and donuts and other goodies that are laying at all the nursing stations.

I don’t feel motivated to make a change.  But I also don’t want to keep gaining weight because I have no motivation.  If this is the definition of the phrase “stuck in a rut,” then that is me.  What should I do?  How can I change my attitude?  What can I do to find motivation?


7 thoughts on “The Weight

  1. I have been in a like rut for the last few months. I usually eat pretty strictly Paleo, but I’ve been looking to food for quick pick me ups after stressful days. I told myself it goes in cycles and tried to be patient with myself. Taking this gentler approach enabled me to awaken Saturday and realize I was ready. Now I am on day four and feeling ready for the gold that comes from sticking with it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Last month was a huge bad side on that cycle for me. I’m hoping this month will be different. I packed a great lunch for today, filled with lots of good protein, fruits, and salad. I’m on call though, so I don’t know what will happen in the wee hours of the morning… Can I control myself then?


  2. Working nights is so hard on your system ! You never quite get over that feeling of utter exhaustion even after a few days off, then it is time to go it again… =( I also work nights currently in a short term skilled rehab center and feel you about the mounds of total crap that are piled on the nurses station… STAY AWAY ! =) =) Perhaps if you pack yourself a small portion of something decadent you can control the mindless stress-munching. I am totally not judging, just so you know ! =)

    Sounds like you have gone thru some major life altering changes in the past year. Kudos on your efforts to keep yourself healthy, that is a great thing ! =) I do take 5 minutes every 2 hours and go down to the women’s locker room, plug my headphones into my mobile and have 30second dance party… am laughing and sweating by the time I’m done, and feels so great ! =) It is a little thing, but helps boost the metabolism during the wee hours… plus it is less time off the floor than the smokers take ! =)

    Best of luck, I always pack raw veg and a protein shake, as well as a 200 cal or less Lean Cuisine… not the best, but the eating every couple of hours helps for me. =)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I tried hard to pack a good lunch/dinner for my call shift yesterday and all was going good until someone ordered pizza. I had a few slices for dinner instead of the food I packed – but then I felt gross and nauseous all night! That’s what I get, at least! The only good thing about my job is that I am at least in my feet all night!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hear you… =( Luckily for me, I have the nose of bloodhound and when tired feel pretty nauseous all night, so I never am tempted by the food that gets delivered… nightly…

        Hard to stay the course when you are surrounded by temptation. Do you eat before you go in ? At any rate, best of luck, and I know you can do this !!!!! =) =)


  3. Not easy, especially when you’re constantly tired. Something that has worked for me in the past, was being prepared, as in – if there’s a chance of someone ordering pizza, I’d imagine myself resisting it and then feeling really good because I did. The most difficult aspect of this is that you have to think about it every day, and there’s always those surprises that catch you off guard.

    Liked by 1 person

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