If I’m being completely honest, I am extremely upset and disappointed with myself over my current weight. I’m not “fat” and I wouldn’t even call myself overweight (even though my BMI is probably in that category these days). However, I have been “letting” myself gain weight steadily for the past 6 months. I’ve used the excuse that life has been too stressful. A year ago I moved and relocated to a new city for a job – it was not a move that I wanted to make. Since then I have been struggling with getting my life back in order, keeping my ridiculous anxiety under control, and just keeping myself afloat day-to-day.
I am scared to get on the scale now, but at the beginning of July, after my two-week vacation to Florida, I was weighing in at 25 pounds heavier than I was last July. I’m pretty sure I can add at least another 5 -10 pounds to that total in the last month. I’s like to say that I’ve been trying to curb the weight gain: At the beginning of the year I made a goal to run 1000Km this year, I started packing healthy lunches, I joined a TaeKwonDo club… In March, despite the numbers still creeping up, I joined weight watchers, I stepped up my game and started training for a half marathon, and in May, I actually did it! But despite all this work, I’ve never stayed truly committed. And so I have a weight watchers membership that is not being used, I’ll be lucky to run 500Km this year (in fact, I only ran 20Km in the whole month of July), and I am pushing the waistband on all my my clothing. Let’s not even talk about how gross I feel and how much I can’t stand looking at my body in the mirror.
Despite all of this negative feelings around my weight gain, I still feel like I have no motivation to change anything. I feel like working 11 hours a day most days is a good enough excuse to not run at the end of the day. Being exhausted by the time my kids are in bed justifies not packing a lunch for he next day. And because I’m awake and at work at 3am, I am allowed to eat the take out and donuts and other goodies that are laying at all the nursing stations.
I don’t feel motivated to make a change. But I also don’t want to keep gaining weight because I have no motivation. If this is the definition of the phrase “stuck in a rut,” then that is me. What should I do? How can I change my attitude? What can I do to find motivation?